Growing up LDS, there was the sense of being perfect "out of the box." In the absence of original sin, the soul is already clean and right with God; one must simply stay as one is, innocent. Revelation is immediate, and the manual on life and religion is given to the Prophet: there is nothing to "discover," only instructions to obey. Further, revelation is generally not collaborative. The Prophet speaks and, apart from significant deliberation with others, points the way forward. The Holy Spirit is not God and the soul is not mired in Original Sin; therefore, discernment should be immediate (instead of complicated by sin), and generally involves me consulting myself, not deeply inviting the Holy Spirit to guide me. There is no meaningful concept of the "Body of Christ," and thus no deep awareness of interdependency: instead of trying to discover one's originality and be the best ear, toe, or arm, one strives to be the best total saint. Standardized publications present consistent, clean-cut imagery of what a person and life should look like. "Fit into this," is the tacit message. Life is something stable and static.
In contrast, I found the Catholic journey to holiness to be an organic journey of discovery. First, I am a sinner in need of grace. I am born already on a journey towards justification and sanctification. I am born in Hell, but destined for Heaven. Revelation is received gradually by man; Judaism and classical paganism are formed for centuries, and then "married" by the full revelation of Christ. Christian revelation unfolds and develops into an ever more mature understanding of Christ across the centuries. God accomplishes His purposes through people living life, e.g. the rise and fall of empires, shifting intellectual currents, innovation of all stripes, and the labors of ordinary people. The Pope makes decisions in union with the Bishops; collaboration, dialogue, and research are part of hearing God's voice. The great need of my soul is to receive the Holy Spirit who is God, so that, in collaboration with His Spirit, I can understand my unique niche in the Body of Christ. There is so much to be discovered and received, and all of it through living life! Life is a quest, not a predetermined destination.
If life is mostly predetermined, there is no need for desire. For what do desires do, but set us in motion. They pull us this way, or that way. If life is predetermined, then desires are more of an obstacle than anything. Or at least, the only acceptable desires are the ones that help us fit into the predetermined mold.
If, on the other hand, life is a quest, then desire is everything. If you can not grow in your relationship with God unless you take a step forward into the unknown, desire becomes a precious guide to help you step right or left. In fact, without desire, you will be paralyzed in your journey. When it's time to choose, this way or that, what is there but desire to incline one? Our ultimate meaning for choosing one thing over another, is that we believe that one direction will best satisfy our desires. If we are honest with ourselves, the most basic thing about our identity, is that we are desiring beings seeking satisfaction.
Catholic theology teaches this clearly. Appetites physical and intellectual/spiritual are God given gifts, which "get us moving." We see how appetites set the biological ecosystem in motion, e.g. the desire for food and reproduction. As human beings, we share in these physical desires, but we have intellectual/spiritual desires too, most especially our desire for God. Our desires are there to incentivize the journey and thereby do the will of God. Without desires, we can not move through the created or spiritual order in the way God intends for us to.
Friday, December 6, 2019
Sunday, November 17, 2019
Theological ~ Giving myself away (but not all the way)
If I had to differentiate between a Trinitarian understanding of ultimate reality and any other, I would say this: that my individuality is a gift meant to be given away in mutual, loving relationships.
"I am a gift meant to be given away."
On the one hand, a Trinitarian worldview upholds the good of individuality. I am indeed a person. I have to be a person to live relationally. Relationships emerge when individuals come together.
Yet, my individuality is not an end in itself. It is a means whereby I can commune with God and others. It serves the greater purpose of "coming together."
God gives us the opportunity to experience both "modes" of being: the being an individual part, and the giving myself away part. For many of us, the "giving" part too often causes anxiety, when it should be a source of joy.
In my own case, I was given a great education, generally speaking and musically. I had a season in my life that was all about investing in my own skills. This was the part of life where things "made sense." Generally, human beings have no trouble understanding self-investment.
Then, through His Providence, God called me to the field of education. Based on the opportunities that came my way, He seemed to desire that I use my skills for the uplift of others. This of course meant less time for my own self-development and even, in a sense, a ceiling on my own achievements. The time/energy invested in students was time/energy I couldn't invest in my own professional advancement. I had entered a phase in life focused on "giving myself away."
For a long time, this confused and distressed me. I didn't mind serving others per se, I just wasn't sure that teaching was the true purpose of my gifts. I've come to realize with time that my distress was caused by not understanding the value in making a gift of myself to others. I've also found that God has since opened up new opportunity for me to reinvest in my creative projects. My time as an educator was a season in life that God permitted so that I could ponder the importance of service.
The "shift in gears" (from self to other), is something we all go through in our way. The following are the two primary ways this can be experienced:
1) The classic "mid life crisis." The years have come and gone, and perhaps we didn't quite accomplish what we dreamed of professionally or personally. Instead, we find ourselves in the middle of a myriad of obligations to, perhaps, a spouse, children, and our employment as it is. Unless we are close to God, we can resent these obligations. We imagine that they are "tying us down." We have yet to learn that the point of "growing up" is to get skills such that we can sustain society and our families. We were never meant to exist just for ourselves.
2) Perhaps we have achieved the success we dreamed of during our phase of self-investment, but the demands of it are starting to weigh us down. Fame, money, prestige, and power come with great responsibility. We find that many people depend upon our expertise and leadership. In order to maintain our skills, we work tirelessly. If we are not close to God, we can resent the work and the mantle we carry. We have yet to learn that our position is something given to us to bless the lives of others; it was never about us in the first place.
Thus, whether we accomplished the goals formed during the phase of self-investment or not, we face weariness and resentment if we do not come to terms with the second mode of being, "giving ourselves away."
For most of us, "giving ourselves away" means going to work every day, paying bills, maintaining our homes, and caring for our families. As the author of the Book of Ecclesiastes laments, whatever treasures we amass are passed on to those who did not work for them. In a similar way, our gifts and skills are so often invested in those who may or may not avail themselves of the investment. "All of my learning, just for others" echoes, "all of my wealth, just for others."
At times, it can feel like a pointless oblation: a seemingly endless "pouring out" of oneself. In a fallen world, our gift of self can often feel unappreciated. We don't know whether or if our investment in others will bear fruit. In this sense, we get to experience God's frustration as He pours out endless graces upon us that so often go unreceived. Like Him, we must learn to love sinners and invest in them hoping, just hoping, that they receive our gifts.
We will be unable to articulate an "end" for ourselves apart from God. If we substitute a natural good for God, we will only reap futility, as the Book of Ecclesiastes confirms. Our wealth shifts with fortune and/or is left to our descendants. Fame inevitably yields to the younger generation. Our knowledge will be surpassed by generations to come. Our health and looks will fade.
Obviously, we can't focus on ourselves or our things as a final end; yet, focusing on others as a final end will fail us, too. Human beings inevitably disappoint us. Our pessimism can be wise in the spirit of Ecclesiastes so long as it is understood within the divine framework of only God being God. No spouse, child, friend, or colleague will be perfect. We will find that, while human beings can love us, they are mysteriously propelled onwards towards something beyond us (God). In other words, they can exist with us, but not for us.
If we are not an end and others are not an end, what is the point? We might say that God is our end and this is true; yet, it is God's will that a perfected relationship with Him also entails our individuality, relationships with others, and relationship with all of creation. Perhaps we come closer to capturing the big picture when we say that the point is Heaven, which is: relationships perfected. We are valuable and contribute something to Heaven that only we can; at the same time, we are powerless to make Heaven complete. The whole Body of Christ, and the New Heavens and New Earth, are needed for that.
God has summoned us to a multi-faceted existence that reflects the richness of His own Trinitarian life. It is an existence that involves the development of our own individuality, our relationship with God, others, and creation, the last of which we will also inherit in the age to come.
In assessing the state of our lives, we should therefore ask, "what is the state of my relationships?" Am I receptive of creation, God, and others? Do I "let them in?" Do I care for them? At the same time, do I bring myself? Do I share myself with others? In other words, do I have reason to hope that my relationships are being steadily perfected, and that Heaven, the Kingdom of God, is being realized in my life?
Theological ~ Catholic Receptivity
In revering the Virgin Mary, we speak of her perfect receptivity of divine grace.
The longer I live, the more I understand receptivity to be the foundation of all growth in the spiritual life.
I now understand from experience that unless I receive the grace of God and He thereby capacitates my heart to love, it is impossible for me to do so. I can summon my will power and intelligence to do good things, but I won't be able to do them purely and simply, from the heart, unless God gives me the grace to. In a mysterious way, the good I do will only feed my pride, until and unless God frees my heart to sincerely care about and commune with Himself and others.
Until God frees up the heart to love, life feels inexplicably isolated and disconnected. Everything I do redounds to myself. The good I do makes me more pleased with myself. The good I do makes me feel superior to others, or "further along" in the quest of life. The good I do makes me more expectant of greater goods that I may do; I fall ever more in love with myself and my expectations for my future hold me captive. I am unable, in a sustained way, to take interest in other people and their gifts. Instead, I find myself competing with them. I may indeed help others--it makes me feel good about myself to do so--but the task will be irritating and burdensome.
Although I may be able to achieve worthwhile things by sheer will power, in reality I am dying a slow death. Cut off from true communion with God and neighbor, my soul becomes warped and sickly. On the outside, I may be impressive, but on the inside I am burdened and wasting away.
From experience, I have learned that only the grace of God can cure the disease of pride. I can work, and try, and discipline myself, force a smile, force myself to be helpful, try to be humble, etc. to no avail. Until the grace of God heals me of my pride, pride will always lead out and consume everything I do for its own ends. In the absence of grace, pride can only grow through either deliberate sin or "good works" done by my own natural efforts. As a result, I am trapped in a cycle of ever increasing, inescapable pride. Only grace and patient suffering can starve out the monster.
The tragic thing is that pride deprives us of real joy by destroying our relationships with God and neighbor. These relationships are the source of our spiritual life and joy. The nature of pride is to isolate us, "incurvates in se," (turned in on oneself). Turned in on ourselves, the very purpose of our existence, to love and be loved, is thwarted. It would be happier to not exist at all.
Catholicism allows us to experience the depths of receptivity. It teaches that God Himself lived among us, taught us the truth about Himself, and safeguarded those truths for all successive generations in holy Mother Church. We can truly be children, with God providing us with everything we need for salvation, every step of the way. We do not have to search the scriptures and create our our own church. We do not have to guess at communion with a distant power manifest by nature. Our God is personal, draws us unto Himself, and into a Church that cares for us from Baptism to Last Rights. Our salvation is given totally to us; we have only to receive it.
The longer I live, the more I understand receptivity to be the foundation of all growth in the spiritual life.
I now understand from experience that unless I receive the grace of God and He thereby capacitates my heart to love, it is impossible for me to do so. I can summon my will power and intelligence to do good things, but I won't be able to do them purely and simply, from the heart, unless God gives me the grace to. In a mysterious way, the good I do will only feed my pride, until and unless God frees my heart to sincerely care about and commune with Himself and others.
Until God frees up the heart to love, life feels inexplicably isolated and disconnected. Everything I do redounds to myself. The good I do makes me more pleased with myself. The good I do makes me feel superior to others, or "further along" in the quest of life. The good I do makes me more expectant of greater goods that I may do; I fall ever more in love with myself and my expectations for my future hold me captive. I am unable, in a sustained way, to take interest in other people and their gifts. Instead, I find myself competing with them. I may indeed help others--it makes me feel good about myself to do so--but the task will be irritating and burdensome.
Although I may be able to achieve worthwhile things by sheer will power, in reality I am dying a slow death. Cut off from true communion with God and neighbor, my soul becomes warped and sickly. On the outside, I may be impressive, but on the inside I am burdened and wasting away.
From experience, I have learned that only the grace of God can cure the disease of pride. I can work, and try, and discipline myself, force a smile, force myself to be helpful, try to be humble, etc. to no avail. Until the grace of God heals me of my pride, pride will always lead out and consume everything I do for its own ends. In the absence of grace, pride can only grow through either deliberate sin or "good works" done by my own natural efforts. As a result, I am trapped in a cycle of ever increasing, inescapable pride. Only grace and patient suffering can starve out the monster.
The tragic thing is that pride deprives us of real joy by destroying our relationships with God and neighbor. These relationships are the source of our spiritual life and joy. The nature of pride is to isolate us, "incurvates in se," (turned in on oneself). Turned in on ourselves, the very purpose of our existence, to love and be loved, is thwarted. It would be happier to not exist at all.
Catholicism allows us to experience the depths of receptivity. It teaches that God Himself lived among us, taught us the truth about Himself, and safeguarded those truths for all successive generations in holy Mother Church. We can truly be children, with God providing us with everything we need for salvation, every step of the way. We do not have to search the scriptures and create our our own church. We do not have to guess at communion with a distant power manifest by nature. Our God is personal, draws us unto Himself, and into a Church that cares for us from Baptism to Last Rights. Our salvation is given totally to us; we have only to receive it.
Meditation ~ The depth of Holy Desires
Both natural and supernatural desires include physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual attraction, etc. Desire is and always will be, attraction. When we love something in union with God though (supernatural), there is:
1) a bottomlessness to our love. There is nothing I will not sacrifice for you/it.
2) A no-strings-attached quality. Healthy relationships are mutual and we will feel pain when our love is not reciprocated, but in a fundamental way we are not keeping score or demanding a return on our investment. We are patient with the failings and limitations of who/what we love.
3) Our patience with the imperfections of the beloved are sustained by our contentment in God. In our relationship with God, our deepest needs for love our mysteriously met. I say mysteriously, because God intends for us to love the people in our lives intensely. There is a sense in which our lives are incomplete without others; we are not meant to live in God, and apart from others. Yet, it can truly be said that in God our deepest desires are fulfilled. From this abundance, we can love others patiently without making demands.
1) a bottomlessness to our love. There is nothing I will not sacrifice for you/it.
2) A no-strings-attached quality. Healthy relationships are mutual and we will feel pain when our love is not reciprocated, but in a fundamental way we are not keeping score or demanding a return on our investment. We are patient with the failings and limitations of who/what we love.
3) Our patience with the imperfections of the beloved are sustained by our contentment in God. In our relationship with God, our deepest needs for love our mysteriously met. I say mysteriously, because God intends for us to love the people in our lives intensely. There is a sense in which our lives are incomplete without others; we are not meant to live in God, and apart from others. Yet, it can truly be said that in God our deepest desires are fulfilled. From this abundance, we can love others patiently without making demands.
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Meditation ~ The Ceiling I Can Not Shatter (On My Own)
I started praying a novena prayer to Pope St. Pius X, it included a line to receive communion "as often as I can."
I didn't think much of it at the time, but have noticed myself getting up in time for morning mass and feeling a desire to go.
Interestingly, what's changed isn't so much my going to daily mass. I've tried that before. In the past, I was able to summon my will power and get there. But I struggled with feeling like an "extra credit" Catholic. I thought the extra masses might be reinforcing spiritual pride, so I didn't go.
The beautiful thing about now, is that I'm able to go without thinking so much of myself. I can go and simply appreciate the beauty of the experience and what the Lord is doing for me.
Interestingly, no amount of me trying to go to daily mass could give me the grace of fruitful daily mass. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I experienced a sense of "ceiling" in what my own "good works" could do. People who are especially disciplined in the spiritual life can easily mistake grace for their own efforts.
Sure, by own discipline I could keep showing up and maybe that would be better than not coming at all. But the increase in spiritual pride was really troublesome.
I was reminded that we depend upon the grace of God to do the right thing for the right reasons. On a deeper level, this is to say that we depend upon the grace of God to do good at all, for of what value is it to do good if we do it for a self-serving reason?
From this perspective, we can see how trapped we are if the grace of God does not purify our hearts. Apart from His help, we can only serve ourselves.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Meditation ~ The Beauty of Waiting (Keep Waiting!)
One of the most upsetting things about discernment is when we feel strongly pulled towards something in our hearts, and yet it seems to not work out, time and again.
What should we do?
After many years of riding the cycle of consolations and desolations, I have come to believe most firmly that consolations are exactly what we think they are: encouragement from God to move in a particular direction. Consolations are holy and precious gifts. As St. Ignatius of Loyola reminds us, in times of desolation we need to hold firm to the consolations that first moved our hearts.
What if we discerned wrongly, though? What if things didn't work out and we should change course? Is there ever a good reason to keep hanging in there?
Yes!
From my experience, there are two big ramifications that shape the fulfillment of our desires:
1) God's timing (perfect, and often much slower than we would like)
2) God's way of fulfilling the desire (may be different than how we expect him to)
As long as a certain path grants us consolations, we should keep going in that direction no matter how long it takes, or what obstacles stand in our way. God doesn't fool us. He values our time and resources. He wouldn't give us consolations in an area of life without a purpose for doing so.
On our end, our job is to stay the course and not question our consolations when the going gets tough. Just because God takes a very long time fulfilling our desires, doesn't invalidate them. There is ample evidence in scripture of God granting desires after exceedingly long periods of waiting. The waiting allows for the purification of our souls, as well as the optimal alignment of life events. We must remember that God works through space, time, and matter; He doesn't skip them. We may instantly apprehend something spiritually, yet it will take time for the matter involved to catch up.
Further, God may have a surprising way of fulfilling our desire. When we experience a consolation, we may think it points to a very particular destination. God takes us where we are and guides us baby step by baby step; it makes sense that we won't fully comprehend the destination at the beginning of the journey. We have to allow Him to surprise us. We must also trust that He will fine tune our consolations along the way so as to navigate us perfectly to our right end.
What should we do?
After many years of riding the cycle of consolations and desolations, I have come to believe most firmly that consolations are exactly what we think they are: encouragement from God to move in a particular direction. Consolations are holy and precious gifts. As St. Ignatius of Loyola reminds us, in times of desolation we need to hold firm to the consolations that first moved our hearts.
What if we discerned wrongly, though? What if things didn't work out and we should change course? Is there ever a good reason to keep hanging in there?
Yes!
From my experience, there are two big ramifications that shape the fulfillment of our desires:
1) God's timing (perfect, and often much slower than we would like)
2) God's way of fulfilling the desire (may be different than how we expect him to)
As long as a certain path grants us consolations, we should keep going in that direction no matter how long it takes, or what obstacles stand in our way. God doesn't fool us. He values our time and resources. He wouldn't give us consolations in an area of life without a purpose for doing so.
On our end, our job is to stay the course and not question our consolations when the going gets tough. Just because God takes a very long time fulfilling our desires, doesn't invalidate them. There is ample evidence in scripture of God granting desires after exceedingly long periods of waiting. The waiting allows for the purification of our souls, as well as the optimal alignment of life events. We must remember that God works through space, time, and matter; He doesn't skip them. We may instantly apprehend something spiritually, yet it will take time for the matter involved to catch up.
Further, God may have a surprising way of fulfilling our desire. When we experience a consolation, we may think it points to a very particular destination. God takes us where we are and guides us baby step by baby step; it makes sense that we won't fully comprehend the destination at the beginning of the journey. We have to allow Him to surprise us. We must also trust that He will fine tune our consolations along the way so as to navigate us perfectly to our right end.
Meditation ~ The Dance of the Heart and Head
Heart verses head; which should lead out?
Instead of pitting them against each other, perhaps we should state the following:
Holy thoughts never contradict holy desires; holy desires never contradict holy thoughts.
In other words, as we grow in maturity of head and heart, we should find that they support each other, not conflict.
Rather, conflict is a sign that one or the other is sinful or immature in some way.
It is true that the heart and head have different expertise. There is a sense in which the heart is better at apprehending what is unique, creative, personal, and transcendent. It allows us to sense something before we can articulate it. In that sense, the heart will provide guidance lost on the head.
If our reasoning is well formed, however, it will respect this. Mature reasoning knows its own limitations. It knows that some things are mysterious and need to be respected as such. It doesn't dominate and control beyond its proper sphere.
Reasoning is better at attuning us to objective absolutes: those things that universally apply in all circumstances. Reasoning respects the laws of gravity and the 10 Commandments. It knows to not contradict church teaching. It respects whatever is fixed and unalterable and helps us to align ourselves with that.
We are each individuals living out a personal, unique destiny within a world governed by moral and physical absolutes. Hence, we need both a heart and a head; the first to guide us personally, the second to help us navigate the cosmos.
As our heart grows in holiness it only wants what is the good.
As our reasoning grows in holiness, it only wants what is good.
The good is where both head and heart meet, each grasping some facets of the truth more deeply than the other.
A holy heart: content with reason's discipline.
A holy head: flexible enough to nurture the heart's aspirations.
Instead of pitting them against each other, perhaps we should state the following:
Holy thoughts never contradict holy desires; holy desires never contradict holy thoughts.
In other words, as we grow in maturity of head and heart, we should find that they support each other, not conflict.
Rather, conflict is a sign that one or the other is sinful or immature in some way.
It is true that the heart and head have different expertise. There is a sense in which the heart is better at apprehending what is unique, creative, personal, and transcendent. It allows us to sense something before we can articulate it. In that sense, the heart will provide guidance lost on the head.
If our reasoning is well formed, however, it will respect this. Mature reasoning knows its own limitations. It knows that some things are mysterious and need to be respected as such. It doesn't dominate and control beyond its proper sphere.
Reasoning is better at attuning us to objective absolutes: those things that universally apply in all circumstances. Reasoning respects the laws of gravity and the 10 Commandments. It knows to not contradict church teaching. It respects whatever is fixed and unalterable and helps us to align ourselves with that.
We are each individuals living out a personal, unique destiny within a world governed by moral and physical absolutes. Hence, we need both a heart and a head; the first to guide us personally, the second to help us navigate the cosmos.
As our heart grows in holiness it only wants what is the good.
As our reasoning grows in holiness, it only wants what is good.
The good is where both head and heart meet, each grasping some facets of the truth more deeply than the other.
A holy heart: content with reason's discipline.
A holy head: flexible enough to nurture the heart's aspirations.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Theological ~ Discovering My New Life in the New Covenant
I've felt God inspiring me lately to walk away from projects and plans. It's not about becoming who I think I should be. It's about becoming who God wants me to be and following His lead. More importantly, it's about participating. Only when I allow myself to be guided will I find the wedding party that is the Kingdom of Heaven.
God has a plan for us, but we can't "think" our way to it by ourselves. There is no way to understand the mind and heart of God unless one has the mind and heart of God: Christians, treasure your baptism! In the sacraments of the faith, we know that God pours His very life into us. The only way to be holy is to receive God's gift of Himself and live in a way that is receptive, every moment of our lives.
God knew that the fulness of His life could never be communicated through a written law, hence the expiration of the Law of Moses and the Old Covenant. The Old Covenant--and by extension any kind of "self reliance"-- is designed to prepare our hearts to desire and receive God's grace, because we know the futility of our own efforts. In the sacraments of the New Covenant, the natural is elevated to the supernatural so that it can commune with the supernatural. Through the Holy Spirit, we can know the mind and heart of God and participate in God's Triune life, in accordance with His will.
It is absolutely necessary that we be receptive of God's grace because God "puts it all together" in a way that defies our understanding. For example, Jesus is a God of seeming contradictions: fully human and fully God, physical and spiritual, a pauper and a King, all powerful yet crucified, the epitome of self-denial yet accused of gluttony, drunkenness, and keeping bad company. Jesus summons us to continue his revolutionary life in which all good things find their unity; it is a kind of holiness that is fresh, exciting, seemingly contradictory, and totally holy and in sync with the Father. There is simply no way we can "get it" unless Jesus coaches us, living and walking with us, side by side.
We can not think and try our way there. We need to receive the life of Jesus. In the same way that you don't learn how to dress or talk from reading a book, rather by hanging out with the cool kids, we need to "hang out" with Jesus. Yet, Jesus has promised to do so much more than "hang out" with us. He has promised to indwell us. He has given us His very body and blood; through Communion, His blood flows through our veins. Our relationship with Him is a nuptial one; more intimate than intimacy between husband and wife. It's okay if that sounds like "too much," "strange," or to admit that we don't fully understand how it all works. For now, we walk by faith not by sight. A God who would die on the cross for His creation is "too much,"; how fortunate for us!
When we learn how to recognize and live in the presence of God, everything changes. Destructive fears, anxieties, insecurities, guilt, and all pathologies melts away; only what is constructive is left. We hear a voice that prompts us to turn right or left. When we don't hear anything, we lean into that unknown and trust.
God is so much more than an co-pilate though. God's primary gift to us is His own life. This means that, in time, we can share in God's own blessed existence. We will see what is good and beautiful in everyone, including ourselves. We will be patient and merciful towards what is not good and beautiful, as God is. We will not resent the work of life. All of creation will be sacred for us. We will find ourselves participating fully in the moments that present themselves. Deep down, our heart longs to find and join the party; in God, we find, and join it!
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Meditation ~ My Experience of Femininity
Church teaching reminds us that men and women are gifted differently. I've long resisted things that are distinctly feminine about myself. Instead of resisting, I'd like to embrace them!
God makes everyone unique, and there is room for a range of possibilities when it comes to how gender is expressed. Given our shared feminine charism, though, I think some women may be able to relate:
1) I'm more interested in quality of life, then in "productivity"
2) Even as a more introverted person, I need a balanced day with a lot of different activities and interaction with people
3) I enjoy beautifying my life and environment; this takes time, and is not always "practical"
4) I'm not easily motivated by success or profit; instead, I'm motivated by creating and experiencing a beautiful lifestyle
5) I enjoy learning things, but not at the expense of my relationships and balance in my day; too many hours on any one thing makes me feel disconnected
6) I enjoy learning not so much for the purposes of expertise at any one thing, but rather for growing in wisdom
7) I'm more interested in "the big picture" than in the parts
For me, the quality of my "being" is very important. I love contemplation in all of its forms. How do I feel right now?
I think it was Archbishop Fulton Sheen who said, "A man is great because of what he does; a woman is great for who she is."
His statement oversimplifies in some ways, but I think he's right in pointing out that men and women are potentially motivated by different things. For myself as a woman, the quality of my being, my manners, how I flow through life and how I help others flow through life is of the utmost importance. What we are in this moment, less of a linear momentum and push. The here and now, the moment, the connection. In a particular way, I enjoy the liturgy of life.
Meditation ~ The "Catholic Dream"? A Third Way?
The Great Gatsby sums up the "American dream" at it's worst: endless pining for a destination you can never obtain.
The "bright lights, big city" way of living never goes out of style. You start out somewhere, and have places to go. Did you get there?
Protestant Christianity has provided some balance. It especially emphasizes family values and hard work. As a result, there can also be the romanticization of the simple life of "good people," home, and the community left behind.
What if both paths are missing something? "Bright lights" gets us overly focused on temporal results, while staying home lacks the adventure and romance we crave.
Catholicism can provide a third way. It is right that we seek out thrills, challenges, beauty, and mystery. In the sacraments, and in our journey towards them, we experience all these. Prayer and worship are not mere Sunday morning duties, they are portals into a higher realm. Religion isn't just about being "good" (as if we are). It's about encountering God as the love of our life, and having our desires fulfilled; this is supported through the sensuality of our liturgy and art. Through the Church's sacraments, art, the mystical writings of the saints, and our robust intellectual tradition, our minds and hearts have much to feast upon. To be Catholic is to live an extraordinary life, if we are receptive to everything the Church has to offer us.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Meditation ~ On Being a Good Wedding Guest
I just read Matthew 6:22-23, "The lamp of the eye is the body...."
In that scripture, disciples are encouraged to make sure that the eyes of their heart rightly perceive what is good and valuable in light of the Kingdom of Heaven. The eyes of their heart must stay exclusively focused on obtaining and growing the Kingdom of Heaven.
How do we do that? I believe the answer to that question is more challenging than it might appear at first glance.
In our zeal to do the Lord's will, we might think that building the Kingdom exclusively prioritizes traditionally religious activities. While those things certainly are part of building the Kingdom, I believe that God sometimes wants to broaden our horizons. He may have a plan for how our hobbies, friendships, dreams and desires can build up the Kingdom, too.
In my own case, I've wondered from time to time if God is calling me to the consecrated life. For many, this is our idea of "giving God the most." I love prayer and our Catholic faith so much, and I certainly have the will power to commit to the evangelical counsels if God asked me to. However, whenever I ponder this way of life, I experience desolations. I've come to realize that the people I've been called to love are outside the structure of religious of life. For me to choose religious life is, mysteriously, to choose personal (spiritual) aggrandizement over love. When I focus on loving others and the life path that makes me feel most deeply connected in service, it is not the consecrated life.
My own case is a great example of how our "idea" of what it means to prioritize the Kingdom of God can sometimes get in the way, however well intentioned. Instead, when we don't try too hard, and we remain open to our hobbies, friendships, and the things we are genuinely and naturally drawn to, we might find that God has a plan for those things. If we were to force ourselves into a mold of any kind, however well intentioned, we might miss out on our unique purpose and mission.
An overly restrictive interpretation of religion draws too rigid of a distinction between things that are holy and things that are not. Traditional church activities are indeed holy, but God also has a purpose for everything created under the sun (as St. Ignatius of Loyola taught: God in all things!) At its worse, religious culture can become ossified. Our "idea" of what a good Catholic looks like can be too restrictive. The answer is not about fitting yourself into an exterior mold.
On the other hand, the world would tell you to walk away from religion altogether. It would tell you that God's laws and "no" are never helpful. This also goes too far. The teachings of the church reveal the truth about ourselves to us. Sometimes, we do need to conform ourselves to something objectively true outside of us. As born sinners, we know that some of our instincts and desires are not good for us.
In typical Catholic fashion, the answer appears to be "both," not "either/or." There is a time and place for changing ourselves, not simply doing what we want, and allowing God to discipline us. There is a time and place for traditional religious activities and instruction. However, with wisdom, we can come to know the areas of our lives where God would like to uniquely shape us through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the other good things He has placed in our lives.
In my own case, I have sometimes turned the quest for the Kingdom of Heaven into a prideful attempt at getting the biggest heavenly mansion. I can feel it in my heart that I'm not living from a place of love of God and neighbor, but of wanting to be "right" and "better" and "ahead" in the spiritual journey of life.
In my own case, I sometimes need to back off from thinking about Heavenly rewards and refocus instead on participating in what God is up to. The Kingdom of Heaven has been compared to a wedding feast. What are the qualities of a good wedding guest?
A wedding guest follows instructions: they get to the church on time, so to speak. They show generosity to the bride and groom by giving gifts of time and money. They are festive and joyful in their demeanor. They get on the dance floor.
In our lives, do we participate fully in what God is doing? Yes, there are instructions to be followed. But when we open our hearts to God, we radiate joy. We become people that others would like to invite to the party.
A good wedding guest helps the bride and groom and everyone else at the party have a great time. They are not the center of the event. They let the bride shine and be the one wearing white. They know how to bring themselves to the party and not be a wallflower; they also know how to bring out the best in the group.
In our quest for holiness, in a similar, way, it's not about being the greatest saint in the sense of out performing others. It's about sharing in the journey of life with others in the way we have been called to. God is always up to something interesting. Are we living in a way that is connected and engaged? Are we thankful for our day to day lives? Do we enjoy the day the Lord has made for us?
Maybe our role in the Kingdom of Heaven is right where we are; maybe it has landed right in our laps. God is just waiting for us to enjoy and appreciate the gift of life we have been given and admire how He is putting all the pieces together for us.
In that scripture, disciples are encouraged to make sure that the eyes of their heart rightly perceive what is good and valuable in light of the Kingdom of Heaven. The eyes of their heart must stay exclusively focused on obtaining and growing the Kingdom of Heaven.
How do we do that? I believe the answer to that question is more challenging than it might appear at first glance.
In our zeal to do the Lord's will, we might think that building the Kingdom exclusively prioritizes traditionally religious activities. While those things certainly are part of building the Kingdom, I believe that God sometimes wants to broaden our horizons. He may have a plan for how our hobbies, friendships, dreams and desires can build up the Kingdom, too.
In my own case, I've wondered from time to time if God is calling me to the consecrated life. For many, this is our idea of "giving God the most." I love prayer and our Catholic faith so much, and I certainly have the will power to commit to the evangelical counsels if God asked me to. However, whenever I ponder this way of life, I experience desolations. I've come to realize that the people I've been called to love are outside the structure of religious of life. For me to choose religious life is, mysteriously, to choose personal (spiritual) aggrandizement over love. When I focus on loving others and the life path that makes me feel most deeply connected in service, it is not the consecrated life.
My own case is a great example of how our "idea" of what it means to prioritize the Kingdom of God can sometimes get in the way, however well intentioned. Instead, when we don't try too hard, and we remain open to our hobbies, friendships, and the things we are genuinely and naturally drawn to, we might find that God has a plan for those things. If we were to force ourselves into a mold of any kind, however well intentioned, we might miss out on our unique purpose and mission.
An overly restrictive interpretation of religion draws too rigid of a distinction between things that are holy and things that are not. Traditional church activities are indeed holy, but God also has a purpose for everything created under the sun (as St. Ignatius of Loyola taught: God in all things!) At its worse, religious culture can become ossified. Our "idea" of what a good Catholic looks like can be too restrictive. The answer is not about fitting yourself into an exterior mold.
On the other hand, the world would tell you to walk away from religion altogether. It would tell you that God's laws and "no" are never helpful. This also goes too far. The teachings of the church reveal the truth about ourselves to us. Sometimes, we do need to conform ourselves to something objectively true outside of us. As born sinners, we know that some of our instincts and desires are not good for us.
In typical Catholic fashion, the answer appears to be "both," not "either/or." There is a time and place for changing ourselves, not simply doing what we want, and allowing God to discipline us. There is a time and place for traditional religious activities and instruction. However, with wisdom, we can come to know the areas of our lives where God would like to uniquely shape us through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the other good things He has placed in our lives.
In my own case, I have sometimes turned the quest for the Kingdom of Heaven into a prideful attempt at getting the biggest heavenly mansion. I can feel it in my heart that I'm not living from a place of love of God and neighbor, but of wanting to be "right" and "better" and "ahead" in the spiritual journey of life.
In my own case, I sometimes need to back off from thinking about Heavenly rewards and refocus instead on participating in what God is up to. The Kingdom of Heaven has been compared to a wedding feast. What are the qualities of a good wedding guest?
A wedding guest follows instructions: they get to the church on time, so to speak. They show generosity to the bride and groom by giving gifts of time and money. They are festive and joyful in their demeanor. They get on the dance floor.
In our lives, do we participate fully in what God is doing? Yes, there are instructions to be followed. But when we open our hearts to God, we radiate joy. We become people that others would like to invite to the party.
A good wedding guest helps the bride and groom and everyone else at the party have a great time. They are not the center of the event. They let the bride shine and be the one wearing white. They know how to bring themselves to the party and not be a wallflower; they also know how to bring out the best in the group.
In our quest for holiness, in a similar, way, it's not about being the greatest saint in the sense of out performing others. It's about sharing in the journey of life with others in the way we have been called to. God is always up to something interesting. Are we living in a way that is connected and engaged? Are we thankful for our day to day lives? Do we enjoy the day the Lord has made for us?
Maybe our role in the Kingdom of Heaven is right where we are; maybe it has landed right in our laps. God is just waiting for us to enjoy and appreciate the gift of life we have been given and admire how He is putting all the pieces together for us.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Poem ~ Reborn
Some stays, some must go.
Old scars flare up, but it's time to heal.
You are now completely different,
and in some ways the same.
Your broken self, your best self.
Delivered from naive ideas,
Your love is now mature.
You connect to give, not to receive.
Your broken self, your best self,
Your reborn self in the Lord.
Old scars flare up, but it's time to heal.
You are now completely different,
and in some ways the same.
Your broken self, your best self.
Delivered from naive ideas,
Your love is now mature.
You connect to give, not to receive.
Your broken self, your best self,
Your reborn self in the Lord.
Meditation ~ The Cycle
The following describes a cycle that perhaps others have also experienced:
1) At first, life seems (more or less) good and predictable. You love things because you think they are good. You have hopes and make plans.
2) Trials shake this up. They challenge you to search for God and incentivize conversion. They challenge you to love God above all things and order your lesser loves to your greatest love for God.
3) Now, with a new relationship with God, you must return to creation and reconnect with it on new terms. You must learn to love the imperfect, have patience with the process, and stay engaged even when part of you is heartbroken and longs for Heaven. You must make peace with the scars that God permitted for your repentance. You have to allow God to rebuild you. You must learn to approach creation with a Godly, wise love.
1) At first, life seems (more or less) good and predictable. You love things because you think they are good. You have hopes and make plans.
2) Trials shake this up. They challenge you to search for God and incentivize conversion. They challenge you to love God above all things and order your lesser loves to your greatest love for God.
3) Now, with a new relationship with God, you must return to creation and reconnect with it on new terms. You must learn to love the imperfect, have patience with the process, and stay engaged even when part of you is heartbroken and longs for Heaven. You must make peace with the scars that God permitted for your repentance. You have to allow God to rebuild you. You must learn to approach creation with a Godly, wise love.
Theological ~ When Suffering is Not Good
There is no question that God gives trials for long term purification and happiness. In the long run, even when our suffering is severe, the loss is always worth the growth in our relationship with the Lord.
However, I've been meditating on the ways that trials challenge short term human development. While we trust the Lord with the crosses that find us, meditating on the damage done can help us understand why prosperity is also a good thing, and why God may spare us/others from specific trials depending on what He wants us to accomplish.
I think the key is the sometimes contested wisdom, "grace builds on nature." I believe this saying is true in the sense that you wouldn't try to explain deep theology to a one-year-old. There is a sense in which our gray matter supports and enables us to think about God. There is also the sense in which we progress from concrete things to abstract things. The sacraments exist in part for this purpose: they are concrete signs of spiritual realities.
What about when nature gets thrown off, though? A child raised without a father will have a harder time thinking about the fatherhood of God. The sacrament of marriage exists for most people so that they can understand the intimacy of love that characterizes the Trinity; people who go through severe romantic heartache and relationships breakups will necessarily experience a rupture to their belief in the ultimate reality of love. Although they may not articulate it, many people go through feelings that "love is not real," and deep down this means "God is not loving."
In considering the good of marriage, there is definitely a sense in which grace builds on nature: in youth, people fall in love naturally and easily. Nature supports the spiritual good of marriage. Tragically, many people get their hearts broken in their youth, instead. Dating later in life, the same momentum is not there. It's harder to fall in love a second, third, or fourth time, when "springtime" has passed.
It's hard to accomplish things when the natural desire is lacking; trials are great at disrupting the natural desire/momentum that would ideally support and incentivize any action. While God can heal anyone's nature, sometimes He mysteriously allows us to feel the pain for a time (even very long time).
While I don't have answers on how to move forward when circumstances are what they are, thinking along these lines helps me to understand why God is selective and providential in our trials. Depending on our life purpose, not every trial is a good one. At a certain point we have to trust that the trials God gives will not incapacitate us in a way that would derail His purpose for us.
Another way of saying this, is that there is a mysterious tension between spiritual and temporal growth. Sadly, spiritual growth must sometimes (usually?) come at the cost of temporal growth, for we must be humbled to draw close to the Lord. Yet, since grace builds on nature, there is a sense in which temporal suffering can come at a spiritual cost. The economy of all of this is so mysterious and delicate, that only God knows what will be best for each person.
However, I've been meditating on the ways that trials challenge short term human development. While we trust the Lord with the crosses that find us, meditating on the damage done can help us understand why prosperity is also a good thing, and why God may spare us/others from specific trials depending on what He wants us to accomplish.
I think the key is the sometimes contested wisdom, "grace builds on nature." I believe this saying is true in the sense that you wouldn't try to explain deep theology to a one-year-old. There is a sense in which our gray matter supports and enables us to think about God. There is also the sense in which we progress from concrete things to abstract things. The sacraments exist in part for this purpose: they are concrete signs of spiritual realities.
What about when nature gets thrown off, though? A child raised without a father will have a harder time thinking about the fatherhood of God. The sacrament of marriage exists for most people so that they can understand the intimacy of love that characterizes the Trinity; people who go through severe romantic heartache and relationships breakups will necessarily experience a rupture to their belief in the ultimate reality of love. Although they may not articulate it, many people go through feelings that "love is not real," and deep down this means "God is not loving."
In considering the good of marriage, there is definitely a sense in which grace builds on nature: in youth, people fall in love naturally and easily. Nature supports the spiritual good of marriage. Tragically, many people get their hearts broken in their youth, instead. Dating later in life, the same momentum is not there. It's harder to fall in love a second, third, or fourth time, when "springtime" has passed.
It's hard to accomplish things when the natural desire is lacking; trials are great at disrupting the natural desire/momentum that would ideally support and incentivize any action. While God can heal anyone's nature, sometimes He mysteriously allows us to feel the pain for a time (even very long time).
While I don't have answers on how to move forward when circumstances are what they are, thinking along these lines helps me to understand why God is selective and providential in our trials. Depending on our life purpose, not every trial is a good one. At a certain point we have to trust that the trials God gives will not incapacitate us in a way that would derail His purpose for us.
Another way of saying this, is that there is a mysterious tension between spiritual and temporal growth. Sadly, spiritual growth must sometimes (usually?) come at the cost of temporal growth, for we must be humbled to draw close to the Lord. Yet, since grace builds on nature, there is a sense in which temporal suffering can come at a spiritual cost. The economy of all of this is so mysterious and delicate, that only God knows what will be best for each person.
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Meditation ~ Eros and Christianity
I was reading in the book of Romans today about the life of grace God Has willed for us; deliverance from the confines of the Law of Moses, and freedom instead to know and will the good by sharing in God's own life. We are joined to the death of Jesus, and we share in His resurrection. There is a sense in which He desires to become incarnate again in us. In a real way, we have died and been raised to a new life. The Holy Spirit--God Himself--dwells in our hearts, as in a tabernacle. We are members of the Mystical Body of Christ; this is not just an idea, we are really connected to other Christians. Our relationship with Jesus is nuptial. In some rites, Communion is received under a canopy as in bedroom; Jesus is our bridegroom, and we experience the depths of physical and spiritual communion with Him, a unity to which sexuality points. We are experiencing the unfolding of the drama of salvation, wherein we each must choose our eternal destiny.
That's a lot....
Too often, Christianity is reduced to a social club, a social-welfare organization, or something "tame" and "civilized" which "good" people think about on Sunday. There is nothing easy, tidy, or familiar about the real thing, though. We are summoned to participate in a deep and thrilling mystery and transformation. We literally die in the waters of baptism. We are summoned to commune with God nuptially through the life of grace. We are destined for the great romance of Heaven; our hearts, if they are alive in the Holy Spirit, long for this already.
Christianity is not about being "good," if being good means that we become boring, disconnected from our passions, cookie-cutter, and utterly practical. Too often, religion is presented as a "taming" influence on men. Yet, God is summoning us to be lovers, to return Him love for love. This does involve taming some things about us, sinners that we are. Yet, fundamentally, Christianity is about transforming us for Heaven, a place of perfect love in all of it's forms (eros, too). God is not boring. The gospel is fascinating and mysterious. The deepest love affair between two human beings still falls short of the love affair God has willed for us with Himself. As Christians, we must give witness to the fullness of riches that God shares with us and has destined us for.
To be developed in another post: poetry is the truest thing about us. The highs and lows, the passions, the thrills, the quest. That internal journey is what matters because that's where God meets us.
That's a lot....
Too often, Christianity is reduced to a social club, a social-welfare organization, or something "tame" and "civilized" which "good" people think about on Sunday. There is nothing easy, tidy, or familiar about the real thing, though. We are summoned to participate in a deep and thrilling mystery and transformation. We literally die in the waters of baptism. We are summoned to commune with God nuptially through the life of grace. We are destined for the great romance of Heaven; our hearts, if they are alive in the Holy Spirit, long for this already.
Christianity is not about being "good," if being good means that we become boring, disconnected from our passions, cookie-cutter, and utterly practical. Too often, religion is presented as a "taming" influence on men. Yet, God is summoning us to be lovers, to return Him love for love. This does involve taming some things about us, sinners that we are. Yet, fundamentally, Christianity is about transforming us for Heaven, a place of perfect love in all of it's forms (eros, too). God is not boring. The gospel is fascinating and mysterious. The deepest love affair between two human beings still falls short of the love affair God has willed for us with Himself. As Christians, we must give witness to the fullness of riches that God shares with us and has destined us for.
To be developed in another post: poetry is the truest thing about us. The highs and lows, the passions, the thrills, the quest. That internal journey is what matters because that's where God meets us.
Meditation ~ Imagination and the Divine
As a songwriter, something about stream of consciousness styled lyrics feels right. I've never been happy with a song when I understand what it's "about." Although I enjoy listening to songs with concrete storytelling, something about that approach makes me feel "boxed in."
For a long time, I wondered if being random was just about getting a reaction out of the listener. Sure it felt right and worked, but it made me feel a bit like a charlatan or provocateur. Years later, after converting to Catholicism and thinking about songwriting in light of my faith, I realized that I could make sense of my experience in light of Catholic theology.
What my heart longs for is an encounter with the transcendent; Catholics believe that God is transcendent. He is revealed by creation, yet His grandeur transcends it. There is a "something more" about God that no relationship, career, lifestyle, dream vacation, or work of art will ever fully communicate. Stream of conscious lyrics, through surprising combinations and juxtapositions of imagery, can stretch our minds and experience just a bit. We can catch a fleeting glimpse of God who mysteriously unites all things in Himself, and defies our (comparatively) feeble minds.
Much of the Alternative/indie rock I listen to has lyrics that are styled in this way. You don't quite know what the song is about, but it hits you in a powerful way. When I was younger, I elevated my favorite songwriters to the status of prophets/prophetesses. I wondered if they had understood something about reality that I didn't; I turned songwriting into a kind of gnostic religion. As a Catholic, I now know to reject gnosticism in all of its forms. There is no other "reality" than the one common to all of us. As a result, there are no actual experiences that could directly inspire the mysterious lyrics of my favorite songwriters. Those songwriters were/are living in the same everyday world I live in. What they allowed themselves to do, is let their imaginations run wild.
Imagination, while not directly corresponding to concrete experience, can still be in a sense "real." At its best, it can be a response to the Holy Spirit, who plants a desire for "something more" in our hearts. That "something more," God in Heaven, does exist. As Paul explained, we see Heaven imperfectly reflected in creation, like looking at the image of a person in a dirty mirror instead of looking directly at them. Paul says that finally, one day, we will see "face to face." The long wait will be over, and we will definitively encounter the One we longed for while on our earthly sojourn.
In the meantime, art is cathartic. It can never substitute for God, but it can help satisfy our need for "something more," the God who transcends the world as we know it. For me, stream of conscious (random!) lyrics help me best access my imagination. In a mysterious way they bring me into contact with the Truth, more than anything "real" could.
For a long time, I wondered if being random was just about getting a reaction out of the listener. Sure it felt right and worked, but it made me feel a bit like a charlatan or provocateur. Years later, after converting to Catholicism and thinking about songwriting in light of my faith, I realized that I could make sense of my experience in light of Catholic theology.
What my heart longs for is an encounter with the transcendent; Catholics believe that God is transcendent. He is revealed by creation, yet His grandeur transcends it. There is a "something more" about God that no relationship, career, lifestyle, dream vacation, or work of art will ever fully communicate. Stream of conscious lyrics, through surprising combinations and juxtapositions of imagery, can stretch our minds and experience just a bit. We can catch a fleeting glimpse of God who mysteriously unites all things in Himself, and defies our (comparatively) feeble minds.
Much of the Alternative/indie rock I listen to has lyrics that are styled in this way. You don't quite know what the song is about, but it hits you in a powerful way. When I was younger, I elevated my favorite songwriters to the status of prophets/prophetesses. I wondered if they had understood something about reality that I didn't; I turned songwriting into a kind of gnostic religion. As a Catholic, I now know to reject gnosticism in all of its forms. There is no other "reality" than the one common to all of us. As a result, there are no actual experiences that could directly inspire the mysterious lyrics of my favorite songwriters. Those songwriters were/are living in the same everyday world I live in. What they allowed themselves to do, is let their imaginations run wild.
Imagination, while not directly corresponding to concrete experience, can still be in a sense "real." At its best, it can be a response to the Holy Spirit, who plants a desire for "something more" in our hearts. That "something more," God in Heaven, does exist. As Paul explained, we see Heaven imperfectly reflected in creation, like looking at the image of a person in a dirty mirror instead of looking directly at them. Paul says that finally, one day, we will see "face to face." The long wait will be over, and we will definitively encounter the One we longed for while on our earthly sojourn.
In the meantime, art is cathartic. It can never substitute for God, but it can help satisfy our need for "something more," the God who transcends the world as we know it. For me, stream of conscious (random!) lyrics help me best access my imagination. In a mysterious way they bring me into contact with the Truth, more than anything "real" could.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Meditation ~ Leaning Into Grace (You Can't Do It!)
When to splurge, when to save? When to try, when to let go? When to wait, when to move on? When to trust, when to part ways?
When we find it hard to manage our time, money, careers, relationships, dreams, goals, and fears, we are simply being honest with ourselves. The proper time and place for everything simply isn't obvious.
There is value in self-help pep talks, but at root we must make peace with the fact that we need God's guidance to navigate it all.
And yet, we spend much of our time bemoaning the presence of flaws, weaknesses, ignorance, and dissatisfaction. Yet, these things are a gift. They should keep us searching for union with something greater than ourselves. They are concrete proof that we are not God, and that we need God.
Thankfully, God is well aware of our deficiencies and wants to share His grace with us to compensate.
If we could navigate life well on our own, what need would we have for God?
If created things could completely satisfy us, what need would we have for God?
If we possessed every skill and virtue, what need would we have for God? (or others?)
If everything was "perfect," then we might imagine ourselves to be all-capable, but it would just be an illusion. There is simply no comparison between our own capabilities and God's. No human being discerns the total meaning of the past, present, and future. No human being can search and know hearts. No human being can save themselves. No human being has power over life and death. No human being could create and sustain the universe. We are so small in the vast scheme of things, yet we try to think and act as if we know it all and can do it all. Even more so, we vehemently resist the truth that we are sinners in need of grace.
Praise God for designing human nature such that, apart from His grace, it can not function.
Next time life corners us, may we say, "that's what grace is for!"
When we find it hard to manage our time, money, careers, relationships, dreams, goals, and fears, we are simply being honest with ourselves. The proper time and place for everything simply isn't obvious.
There is value in self-help pep talks, but at root we must make peace with the fact that we need God's guidance to navigate it all.
And yet, we spend much of our time bemoaning the presence of flaws, weaknesses, ignorance, and dissatisfaction. Yet, these things are a gift. They should keep us searching for union with something greater than ourselves. They are concrete proof that we are not God, and that we need God.
Thankfully, God is well aware of our deficiencies and wants to share His grace with us to compensate.
If we could navigate life well on our own, what need would we have for God?
If created things could completely satisfy us, what need would we have for God?
If we possessed every skill and virtue, what need would we have for God? (or others?)
If everything was "perfect," then we might imagine ourselves to be all-capable, but it would just be an illusion. There is simply no comparison between our own capabilities and God's. No human being discerns the total meaning of the past, present, and future. No human being can search and know hearts. No human being can save themselves. No human being has power over life and death. No human being could create and sustain the universe. We are so small in the vast scheme of things, yet we try to think and act as if we know it all and can do it all. Even more so, we vehemently resist the truth that we are sinners in need of grace.
Praise God for designing human nature such that, apart from His grace, it can not function.
Next time life corners us, may we say, "that's what grace is for!"
Monday, October 7, 2019
Meditation ~ The Balance of Relying on Mercy
Increasingly, I seek to live at the mercy of God.
To live at the mercy of God is to fully allow God to be God. Instead, we typically seek to make ourselves God, either by redefining the rules or by imagining ourselves to be all-good.
An obvious way of usurping God's place, is the flagrant disregard of His sovereignty. A less obvious way, is to try so hard in the spiritual life that we expect a spiritual A+ and all of the attached benefits. It is to refuse to be genuine and take the risks God asks, because we are clinging to the life path that we think is earning us a spiritual A+
If we sincerely seek to live in His mercy, then:
1) We will avoid the extreme of presuming upon God's grace. After all, if we are sincerely living in a posture of petitioning God for His mercy, we will not want to deliberately offend Him.
2) We will avoid the extreme of Pharisee-ism, a way of living religion whereby we "know" are perfect by virtue of crossing every religious i-and-t. If we think we are perfect, perhaps we are not taking enough risks for God. The shepherd should smell of the sheep; do we? Are we are living in a way that is too separate from the world? Jesus ate and drank at table with sinners. Are we so preoccupied with our spotlessness that we can not do the same? Perhaps there are people God would like us to reach that we are too "perfect" for. Perhaps there is a life path God is calling us to, but we are too afraid of the possibility of sinning that we stay safely on the sidelines of life. If we truly seek to live in God's mercy, we will avoid a mentality by which we try to play it safe all the time.
To live at the mercy of God is to fully allow God to be God. Instead, we typically seek to make ourselves God, either by redefining the rules or by imagining ourselves to be all-good.
An obvious way of usurping God's place, is the flagrant disregard of His sovereignty. A less obvious way, is to try so hard in the spiritual life that we expect a spiritual A+ and all of the attached benefits. It is to refuse to be genuine and take the risks God asks, because we are clinging to the life path that we think is earning us a spiritual A+
If we sincerely seek to live in His mercy, then:
1) We will avoid the extreme of presuming upon God's grace. After all, if we are sincerely living in a posture of petitioning God for His mercy, we will not want to deliberately offend Him.
2) We will avoid the extreme of Pharisee-ism, a way of living religion whereby we "know" are perfect by virtue of crossing every religious i-and-t. If we think we are perfect, perhaps we are not taking enough risks for God. The shepherd should smell of the sheep; do we? Are we are living in a way that is too separate from the world? Jesus ate and drank at table with sinners. Are we so preoccupied with our spotlessness that we can not do the same? Perhaps there are people God would like us to reach that we are too "perfect" for. Perhaps there is a life path God is calling us to, but we are too afraid of the possibility of sinning that we stay safely on the sidelines of life. If we truly seek to live in God's mercy, we will avoid a mentality by which we try to play it safe all the time.
Meditation ~ Following the Heart
Following the heart.....
What does that mean from a Catholic perspective?
The heart is the temple where God dwells. While the written word, ritual, and traditions can help dispose our heart to receive God, they are not the source of our holiness. The source of holiness is God Himself. God likes to make use of creation to communicate Himself to us; He made everything for the purpose of revealing Himself. Catholics know that it pleases God to make use of water, bread, and wine, to impart His divinity to us. Nevertheless, at root, the principle of our sanctification is God Himself: the gift of Himself to us in our hearts.
The most astonishing truth, worth celebrating every moment of the day and on into eternity, is that God wants to dwell in our hearts. His presence to us could not be more immediate. In such a case, there is no intermediary between Him and us. He is as close to us as our heartbeat.
The experience of God in our hearts comes in many forms. One is the intuition that our life is somehow not our own. We are aware of rights and wrongs. We sense that our life has purpose and that we are meant for something greater than ourselves. We perceive a kind of destiny shaping our life. We sense a greater purpose underlying the things we love, and our relationships.
This intuition is the quiet presence of God in our hearts. He is always there, gently guiding and shaping our choices. We sense that we should turn right or left. We feel drawn to make this or that change. Something makes us feel pain or confusion; this is like an alert from God that we need healing or to make a change.
Although this is a deep mystery, our faith reveals to us that the heart is dead to God in sin from the moment of conception. Our hearts are only healed from sin, one grace at a time. These graces gently nudge us or our caretakers towards the water of baptism, where the seeds of the Holy Trinity are planted in our hearts as a permeant indwelling. These seeds of grace--God's life in us--grow and blossom as we nurture them and grow in virtue. This growth is often painful, as it involves forsaking our sinful habits and reorienting our lives around completely different values. The spiritual battle humbles us, and helps us understand the truth that only God is all good. We can not love ourselves or others in a Godly way unless God capacitates us to do so.
As we persevere in spiritual battle, our heart becomes more and more receptive to God and His holiness. The presence of the Holy Trinity in our hearts grows stronger. It becomes easier to do the good we want to do. With practice, we learn to recognize the voice of God with ever increasing sensitivity. It becomes easier to make choices that please God. We feel more deeply united with God in every aspect of our lives.
Only God knows our destiny. Only He knows how to get us there. Our heart is the privileged place where God speaks to us and reveals our destiny to us, one baby step at a time.
Our ability to discern God's voice starts out very limited, and only grows with grace and time. When we first try, our perception of God's will be imperfect. We are born sinners, after all. However, discernment improves with practice; practice is the only way discernment improves. God summons us to to act on the graces we do have, long before we are fully formed in grace. Ultimately, this is an exercise in trust and surrender. We have to be willing to fail. We must be wiling to venture out into the unknowns God calls us to, completely trusting in Him to care for us.
At first, it will be easier to stay within the guidelines we have inherited from society or our parents, etc. These sources may present us with a formula for life that likely "works," but it may fall short of the unique path God has planned for us. While we should treasure every good thing we inherit from our parents and mentors, there must come a time when we speak to God one-one-one, for ourselves, and not through the prism of inherited structures. Again, to do so, we must be willing to take risks and walk away from what is familiar and comfortable.
This is the Catholic understanding of what it means to "follow the heart."
What does that mean from a Catholic perspective?
The heart is the temple where God dwells. While the written word, ritual, and traditions can help dispose our heart to receive God, they are not the source of our holiness. The source of holiness is God Himself. God likes to make use of creation to communicate Himself to us; He made everything for the purpose of revealing Himself. Catholics know that it pleases God to make use of water, bread, and wine, to impart His divinity to us. Nevertheless, at root, the principle of our sanctification is God Himself: the gift of Himself to us in our hearts.
The most astonishing truth, worth celebrating every moment of the day and on into eternity, is that God wants to dwell in our hearts. His presence to us could not be more immediate. In such a case, there is no intermediary between Him and us. He is as close to us as our heartbeat.
The experience of God in our hearts comes in many forms. One is the intuition that our life is somehow not our own. We are aware of rights and wrongs. We sense that our life has purpose and that we are meant for something greater than ourselves. We perceive a kind of destiny shaping our life. We sense a greater purpose underlying the things we love, and our relationships.
This intuition is the quiet presence of God in our hearts. He is always there, gently guiding and shaping our choices. We sense that we should turn right or left. We feel drawn to make this or that change. Something makes us feel pain or confusion; this is like an alert from God that we need healing or to make a change.
Although this is a deep mystery, our faith reveals to us that the heart is dead to God in sin from the moment of conception. Our hearts are only healed from sin, one grace at a time. These graces gently nudge us or our caretakers towards the water of baptism, where the seeds of the Holy Trinity are planted in our hearts as a permeant indwelling. These seeds of grace--God's life in us--grow and blossom as we nurture them and grow in virtue. This growth is often painful, as it involves forsaking our sinful habits and reorienting our lives around completely different values. The spiritual battle humbles us, and helps us understand the truth that only God is all good. We can not love ourselves or others in a Godly way unless God capacitates us to do so.
As we persevere in spiritual battle, our heart becomes more and more receptive to God and His holiness. The presence of the Holy Trinity in our hearts grows stronger. It becomes easier to do the good we want to do. With practice, we learn to recognize the voice of God with ever increasing sensitivity. It becomes easier to make choices that please God. We feel more deeply united with God in every aspect of our lives.
Only God knows our destiny. Only He knows how to get us there. Our heart is the privileged place where God speaks to us and reveals our destiny to us, one baby step at a time.
Our ability to discern God's voice starts out very limited, and only grows with grace and time. When we first try, our perception of God's will be imperfect. We are born sinners, after all. However, discernment improves with practice; practice is the only way discernment improves. God summons us to to act on the graces we do have, long before we are fully formed in grace. Ultimately, this is an exercise in trust and surrender. We have to be willing to fail. We must be wiling to venture out into the unknowns God calls us to, completely trusting in Him to care for us.
At first, it will be easier to stay within the guidelines we have inherited from society or our parents, etc. These sources may present us with a formula for life that likely "works," but it may fall short of the unique path God has planned for us. While we should treasure every good thing we inherit from our parents and mentors, there must come a time when we speak to God one-one-one, for ourselves, and not through the prism of inherited structures. Again, to do so, we must be willing to take risks and walk away from what is familiar and comfortable.
This is the Catholic understanding of what it means to "follow the heart."
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Meditation ~ Choosing to Heal
I've gone through a lot of challenging things in my personal life for the past few decades. In light of my conversion to Catholicism, I realize that God was permitting me to be brought low enough to listen and receive the gospel. The season of suffering extended even past my baptism, as God wanted me to internalize the wisdom of the cross.
It's been five years post-baptism, and now I sense that God wants me to do something new. I've been opening up my scriptures to verses about redemption and the joyful post-exilic "gathering" of Israel. I've felt God wanting to heal old wounds, grow new skills, and replace an attitude of "just getting by" with thriving. I realize that He wants this not only for my happiness, but because my joy in living gives Him glory.
In a season of suffering, I showed my faith by just hanging in there while persevering in prayer. I realize now that I didn't have to be "happy" per se, because God didn't want me to settle into that place. He just wanted me to keep showing up, do right by others to the best of my ability, and use the trial as an opportunity to meditate on the cross. I needed to make an offering of my life. The suffering had to go on for long enough to make my sacrifice meaningful.
In contrast, during a season of redemption, I have to show faith by learning to actively cultivate my Godly desires. Gone is the comfortable, dark womb of suffering where I wait, and wait. Now, I have to listen and act because God is providing a way out of the pit. Do I climb up the rope, grace upon grace? Climbing towards the light requires me to let go of any residual bitterness; "woe is me" and optimism will not coexist. I have to open my heart and be willing to try again and "receive" others. The walls and scars that were erected as coping mechanisms need to come down. I have to be willing to take risks as God calls me to try something new; or try something old again, in a new way. The familiar and comfortable, however unsatisfying, must give way to the fresh and unknown.
Suffering teaches us invaluable lessons, but it doesn't teach us every spiritual lesson. It can become its own comfortable place, past the point the God wills it for us. Sometimes, we give God the greatest glory by patiently suffering and waiting for Him to change our circumstances. On the other hand, sometimes we give God greater glory by leaving behind old grooves and allowing him to rebuild our lives according to our heart's desire. In a mysterious way, both phases can be equally challenging.
A Biblical truth, perhaps THE Biblical truth, is the idea of redemption. From the Passion narrative, to the stories of Israel, to the lives of individual holy men and women, we see that God in His wisdom permits seasons of suffering for purposes of purification. However, these seasons are never meant to last forever. They are always seed and soil for rebirth. The season of suffering can last for years--decades, in my case--but for those who stay with the Lord, the season will not last forever. Suffering is never an end in itself, but rather a means to our healing from sin and the deepest possible relationship with the Lord. As born sinners, we cannot escape the redemption cycle if we want to achieve a holy, healthy life in union with God. We must pass through this.
"Sing praises to the Lord, O you His saints,
and give thanks to His holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
And his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
But joy comes for the morning."
Psalm 27: 4-5 (ESV)
It's been five years post-baptism, and now I sense that God wants me to do something new. I've been opening up my scriptures to verses about redemption and the joyful post-exilic "gathering" of Israel. I've felt God wanting to heal old wounds, grow new skills, and replace an attitude of "just getting by" with thriving. I realize that He wants this not only for my happiness, but because my joy in living gives Him glory.
In a season of suffering, I showed my faith by just hanging in there while persevering in prayer. I realize now that I didn't have to be "happy" per se, because God didn't want me to settle into that place. He just wanted me to keep showing up, do right by others to the best of my ability, and use the trial as an opportunity to meditate on the cross. I needed to make an offering of my life. The suffering had to go on for long enough to make my sacrifice meaningful.
In contrast, during a season of redemption, I have to show faith by learning to actively cultivate my Godly desires. Gone is the comfortable, dark womb of suffering where I wait, and wait. Now, I have to listen and act because God is providing a way out of the pit. Do I climb up the rope, grace upon grace? Climbing towards the light requires me to let go of any residual bitterness; "woe is me" and optimism will not coexist. I have to open my heart and be willing to try again and "receive" others. The walls and scars that were erected as coping mechanisms need to come down. I have to be willing to take risks as God calls me to try something new; or try something old again, in a new way. The familiar and comfortable, however unsatisfying, must give way to the fresh and unknown.
Suffering teaches us invaluable lessons, but it doesn't teach us every spiritual lesson. It can become its own comfortable place, past the point the God wills it for us. Sometimes, we give God the greatest glory by patiently suffering and waiting for Him to change our circumstances. On the other hand, sometimes we give God greater glory by leaving behind old grooves and allowing him to rebuild our lives according to our heart's desire. In a mysterious way, both phases can be equally challenging.
A Biblical truth, perhaps THE Biblical truth, is the idea of redemption. From the Passion narrative, to the stories of Israel, to the lives of individual holy men and women, we see that God in His wisdom permits seasons of suffering for purposes of purification. However, these seasons are never meant to last forever. They are always seed and soil for rebirth. The season of suffering can last for years--decades, in my case--but for those who stay with the Lord, the season will not last forever. Suffering is never an end in itself, but rather a means to our healing from sin and the deepest possible relationship with the Lord. As born sinners, we cannot escape the redemption cycle if we want to achieve a holy, healthy life in union with God. We must pass through this.
"Sing praises to the Lord, O you His saints,
and give thanks to His holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
And his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
But joy comes for the morning."
Psalm 27: 4-5 (ESV)
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Meditation ~ What Does it Really Mean to Be Good?
Too often in American culture, passion is pitted against discipline. At best, the two forces are allowed to cautiously coexist. Perhaps this tension gave birth to rock n' roll and the '60s counter culture; when people feel like they have to choose one or the other, they are more likely to throw out the "establishment" and go "all in" on their desires.
To continue the flawed narrative, the heart is understood as desiring fun and pleasure only. Discipline, family values, and work are seen as weak concessions to our need for comfort and stability. The brave and honest souls--those who live fully from the heart--forgo society with all of its helps. They never sell out by settling down.
Since most of us choose to opt in to society, we alternatively run the risk of exclusively validating responsibility and structure. We may insist that mature adults are those who forgo their desires for fun, risk, and creative fulfillment. Desire has nothing to do with "the real world." Our worth is only tied to a pay check, a mortgage, and how esteemed we are by our community.
Both interpretations reduce the human heart to less, not more.
What if being made in the image of God means that we rightly want all of it?
What if fun, adventure, creative fulfillment, structure, family, and social responsibility are all appealing when we are open to all of the goods God has created?
What if God Himself is fun, adventurous, creative, structured, familial, and socially responsible? (Of course He is.) If so, then we would be lop-sided, underdeveloped human beings if we didn't at least try to cultivate the wide-range of qualities that He possesses.
As Pope Benedict VI explained in his encyclical "Deus caritas est," God is both eros and agape; both facets of love are holy. Apart from eros, life looses zest and flavor. Apart from agape, we are unable to care for those we love and life spirals out of control. We can't be fully holy when we are alienated from one or the other.
Admittedly, it can be hard to "visualize" how all the goods can coexist, especially since Godly living involves making choices and sacrifices. Perhaps this is when we need to set aside our heads, and let our hearts, guided by the Spirit, lead out. We are called to be holy, to image the love and life of God. That is something mysterious, but we are given a supreme gift: God Himself, dwelling in our Hearts. Surely this is the reason why God did away with the old Mosaic Law and replaced it with the Law of the Spirit, poured into us at baptism. A legal code fixed on a page in human language could never express the depth, breadth, and mystery of God's life, which we are called to share in (here and now!) God wants us to successfully integrate eros and agape just as He does; He will help us.
We must allow ourselves to be guided. We can and should be thoughtful and intentional along the way. Intelligence is a useful tool that allows us to make and execute plans. Intelligence allows us to converse with and follow the Holy Spirit when He speaks. The Holy Spirit works best when our intelligence is as fully formed as possible; He can and will prompt us to study, question, and get answers to many of our questions. However, we must know the limitations of what our intelligence can accomplish. There are some answers we can never have this side of Heaven. God--who perfectly unites all seeming contradictions in Himself--is a mystery to us. As Paul said, at present, we see Him only dimly reflected in the world around us. For this reason, we struggle to reconcile all kinds of opposites, including justice and mercy, structure and freedom. We think the puzzle pieces don't fit; in frustration, we try to square the circles. In those moments, we need to just stop and experience God in our hearts, past the point of understanding.
We keep "looking" for God in this world. To do so is the essence of idolatry. One form of idolatry is trying to "visualize" exactly what a Godly life looks like, in the sense of a cookie-cutter cultural expression. Stereotypes about who is holy and who is not, is a form of idolatry. We can even create idols out of ourselves when we rigidly adhere to a fixed idea of who we think we should be. These idols enslave us and prohibit our growth in the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit might want us to turn right or left, but we won't be open to it.
Creation in all of its forms, (art, nature, relationships, activities) are all helps in forming our relationship with God. But past a certain point, we need to firmly locate "the good life" and the successfully integrated life, with an experience of God in our hearts. God is not to be found in one particular lifestyle, achievement, experience, relationship, or activity. These things can point us to God, but they can never be the be-all-end-all. In truth, we can not *see* our be-all-end-all, for God is pure Spirit. We can only experience our be-all-end-all.
The next time we catch ourselves day dreaming, we need to pause. Are we dreaming of something because God is inspiring us to move in a particular direction, or are we imagining a particular thing, as if it will give us infinite happiness? Is our idea of definitive happiness in any way a "fixed" temporal thing? If so, we are committing idolatry and missing out on the fullness of happiness that God offers us. God can not be imaged in His totality. He can only be experienced. Even in Heaven, we will never see God the Father with our physical eyeballs. He is pure Spirit. We must learn to thirst for, and abide in, His Spirit.
With God, all things are possible, including a successfully integrated life. God will help us know the proper time and place for all things. It is possible to have fun and to be responsible. There is a sense in which it is possible to "have it all," in so far as it is possible to possess God, who is All. If we seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, all the rest will fall into place.
Monday, September 30, 2019
Meditation ~ When We Get Too Comfortable Suffering
"She Just Wants to Forget," by r.h. Sin is a helpful meditation on a surprising truth: sometimes, it's more comfortable to keep on suffering instead of choosing growth and thriving.
The book reads like a series of letters from a "soul-mate" mentor to a woman struggling to exit an abusive relationship. Letters vacillate from pep-talks to condemnations of the abuser.
One theme is the exploration of why the woman struggles to let the abuser go. Why does she keep going back; if not actually, then emotionally....why does she hold on?
A proffered answer is that her parents failed to model a healthy, loving relationship and build up her self-worth. She doesn't know she deserves better.
Another is that the woman has an unusually high capacity to give; when matched with a selfish partner, this strength becomes her undoing.
"Make sure your strength is invested in the right place: in yourself, and in what is positive" is a key takeaway.
An actual quote from the book that sums things up: "Let's create new ways of thinking."
Another that made me laugh out loud: "Life doesn't have to be so damn complicated."
But no, really: why do we settle for less?
One reason might be this: biologically, change is just hard. Our neurological hardwiring seeks out continuity and the scenes, faces, landscapes, lifestyle, etc. that are familiar to us. The old is literally the "stuff" of what we are. Take away the old, and we become a person without a history. That is painful. Take away everything we know and our brain is literally shocked.
Even though we may need to walk away from our old grooves, it's okay to be honest with ourselves that profound change is traumatic.
To be continued...
The book reads like a series of letters from a "soul-mate" mentor to a woman struggling to exit an abusive relationship. Letters vacillate from pep-talks to condemnations of the abuser.
One theme is the exploration of why the woman struggles to let the abuser go. Why does she keep going back; if not actually, then emotionally....why does she hold on?
A proffered answer is that her parents failed to model a healthy, loving relationship and build up her self-worth. She doesn't know she deserves better.
Another is that the woman has an unusually high capacity to give; when matched with a selfish partner, this strength becomes her undoing.
"Make sure your strength is invested in the right place: in yourself, and in what is positive" is a key takeaway.
An actual quote from the book that sums things up: "Let's create new ways of thinking."
Another that made me laugh out loud: "Life doesn't have to be so damn complicated."
But no, really: why do we settle for less?
One reason might be this: biologically, change is just hard. Our neurological hardwiring seeks out continuity and the scenes, faces, landscapes, lifestyle, etc. that are familiar to us. The old is literally the "stuff" of what we are. Take away the old, and we become a person without a history. That is painful. Take away everything we know and our brain is literally shocked.
Even though we may need to walk away from our old grooves, it's okay to be honest with ourselves that profound change is traumatic.
To be continued...
Monday, August 26, 2019
Theological ~ Faith and the Basics of Sanity
What must we do to know, and to be confident in our knowing?
We must believe that reality is stable, testable, and comprehensible to the human mind. If we are pessimistic on those points, we may as well not try to understand life at all.
1) If reality is not stable, then our conclusions, even if they are right for the moment, will not be right tomorrow.
2) If reality is not testable, then we have no way of engaging with it and therefore thinking about it.
3) If the human mind is not capable of understanding, then no matter how stable or testable reality may be, we will never be able to understand it.
All three of these tenants require a measure of faith. I must exercise faith that gravity will not cease to exist tomorrow. I must exercise faith that the mathematical equations formulated by humans can rightly describe the laws of physics such that I will fly in an airplane.
Extreme skepticism--a belief system where I relentlessly question the possibility of knowing--is a failure to exercise the faith necessary for progress in knowledge.
Descarte's "I think, therefore I am" is a sad fall from faith. If all I can know is that I'm thinking, yet I can not be sure to know anything about the outside world, then I'm in a hopeless situation.
What follows from faith in these three points, is the ability to accept an intellectual tradition. After all, if reality is stable, testable, and knowable, it makes sense that human knowledge would grow and accumulate. I don't have to believe everything about the past, but there should be a line of thinking upon which I can build and amend as needed.
The "out with the old" spirit of the Enlightenment has, in my opinion, contributed to anxiety. At first the prospect of the now and the future seems exciting. However, if previous generations were unable to comprehend anything rightly, what makes us so sure we have things right now? If something could be held as true for centuries, and then thrown out as completely untenable, what does that say about the power of the human mind? If people were previously duped, then how can we be sure we aren't duped now? They thought they were right. What makes us the exception?
By throwing everything out, the message we are saying is this: people can believe something is true (God) for centuries, and be totally off. They can build whole civilizations and intellectual traditions on this idea, and it can all be a lie.
If so, then either we aren't very smart, or reality is not stable and comprehensible. Either way, anxiety is bound to sink in.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Meditation ~ Classical Temperaments: Strengths & Weaknesses
The classical four temperaments (Phlegmatic, Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholic) are an old, but simple and therefore helpful way of thinking about personality. I enjoyed reading The Temperament God Gave You (Bennett & Bennett).
What is personality?
One way of thinking about it might be, "what drives us," and in a sense, what we value.
Action and achievement? (choleric) Enjoyment, having fun? (sanguine) The intellectual life? (melancholic) Peace and connectedness? (phlegmatic)
Each temperament negotiates the goods of life differently. One good is pursued in preference to the others. While each temperament has a gift, the gift comes at a cost.
Action comes at the expense of peace and reflection.
Fun comes at the expense of study and work.
The intellectual life comes at the expense of enjoying life physically and socially.
Peace and connectedness come at the expense of adventure and challenge.
The longer I live, the more I understand life in terms of participating in God's own life. We know that action, fun, intelligence, and stability all have their place in God's own life. We need some aptitude in every category in order to approximate a Godly life.
There is truly more than one way to be a person!
It seems to not be God's will that we seek complete balance. Rather, the concept of the Body of Christ invites us to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses, and turn to the community to benefit from the gifts which we ourselves do not possess.
While there is certainly a time and place for becoming more well rounded, there is greater peace in appreciating the capabilities we do have, and allowing others to shine in the areas where we do not.
What is personality?
One way of thinking about it might be, "what drives us," and in a sense, what we value.
Action and achievement? (choleric) Enjoyment, having fun? (sanguine) The intellectual life? (melancholic) Peace and connectedness? (phlegmatic)
Each temperament negotiates the goods of life differently. One good is pursued in preference to the others. While each temperament has a gift, the gift comes at a cost.
Action comes at the expense of peace and reflection.
Fun comes at the expense of study and work.
The intellectual life comes at the expense of enjoying life physically and socially.
Peace and connectedness come at the expense of adventure and challenge.
The longer I live, the more I understand life in terms of participating in God's own life. We know that action, fun, intelligence, and stability all have their place in God's own life. We need some aptitude in every category in order to approximate a Godly life.
There is truly more than one way to be a person!
It seems to not be God's will that we seek complete balance. Rather, the concept of the Body of Christ invites us to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses, and turn to the community to benefit from the gifts which we ourselves do not possess.
While there is certainly a time and place for becoming more well rounded, there is greater peace in appreciating the capabilities we do have, and allowing others to shine in the areas where we do not.
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Theological ~ Conversion and Sanctification
Conversion begins with an awareness of many things: life is worth living well, and that there is something exciting to discover and do; the existence of "right" and "wrong," and accountability towards a higher power; the draw of deep desires and wanting to be definitively happy; the presence of fears, insecurities, and pain which make existence burdensome.
A lively awareness of all of these things is like the planting of the seeds. Potentiality is created and movement towards God can begin.
The awareness that all of these things converge one way or another in the God of the Bible and the Catholic Church is the essence of conversion. In the process of conversion, which culminates in baptism, we bring our lives to God and say, "okay, set this right."
Sanctification is the total healing. It's the thrill of watching desires that used to seem antagonistic make peace with each other. That way, the soul can stop being at odds with itself. Before sanctification, life looks something like this:
A life of highs and lows. Moments of great inspiration where you feel God is tugging on you, but then life. You feel split between the need to "follow your dreams" and do your duty towards society. The mundane of life becomes burdensome but seems inescapable. Your personal dysfunction becomes inescapable. You know there is "more" to life, and wonder where and if you took a wrong turn. Maybe that person has it figured out. You don't know how to not compete with them. Obviously, you're not one of those amazing, enlightened people. Maybe you could be if you just willed the self-confidence and worked hard enough. So then you start working really hard, pursing that dream that will make it all worth it, only to find yourself exhausted and unfulfilled (regardless of whether or not you achieved it). You may sense a desire to be self-sacrificial, to not live for yourself. But you have bills to pay and you do need to live and care for yourself, so what would that look like? Meanwhile life keeps coming at you, and you have to make big decisions. Even little decisions are big decisions. What is the wise way to allocate energy? time? money? vote? Stay in this relationship or not? Stay in this career path or not? At best you think about it and then "follow your heart" but that starts to feel like a stab in the dark. You want answers and you don't have them.
Sanctification resolves all of these tensions. We learn to locate our deepest desires and their fulfillment in God Himself. This frees us up from absolute dependency on anyone or anything contingent. God heals us of the sin that irrationally divides us from others and ourselves. We make peace with suffering because we know that patiently enduring it and offering it up is how we make an offering of our lives to God and neighbor and die to sin. God gives us a specific niche and purpose (vocation!) and we learn to find joy in living within those boundaries. He teaches us the proper time and place for everything good. Within the boundaries of our little lives, we are filled with the Spirit of God dwelling in our hearts as a tabernacle. Life takes on a quality of connectedness and purposefulness. We see beauty in the messes and in the process because we know God wills them for our sanctification. We have the peace of mind of doing and being what God wills. We learn to delight in the diversity of the Mystical Body and enjoy the gifts we and others bring to the whole. We learn that love isn't you over me or me over you, but a Trinitarian "coming together." We taste the good life and know how to cultivate it and abide in it. We encounter the transcendent in the Mass. We experience the unspeakable gift of the Eucharist. We know we have "found it."
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Meditation ~ Mystics and Scholastics
On the one hand, as Catholics we have sensual art, smells and bells, provocative Gregorian chant, etc. On the other, we are the faith tradition that produced the intellectualism of the scholastics.
In a unique way, our faith preserves the right relationship between:
1) A transcendent God who surpasses our understanding, and is the object of our desires
2) A transcendent God who created our human reasoning as a participation in His own, such that we can be both mystical and "logical" at the same time.
In a unique way, our faith preserves the right relationship between:
1) A transcendent God who surpasses our understanding, and is the object of our desires
2) A transcendent God who created our human reasoning as a participation in His own, such that we can be both mystical and "logical" at the same time.
Theological ~ The Seven Gifts of the Holy Spirit
Have struggled previously to make distinctions, but I think I'm starting to grasp it after digesting various lists and explanations. Summarized in my own words:
1) Wisdom: the ability to see reality from God's perspective, to the point of embracing the cross. St. Paul reminds us that Christianity's defining message is Christ crucified. When we are wise in a distinctively Christian sense, our capacity to trust and love God is so great that we become willing to endure for His sake what is most repugnant to us (suffering).
2) Understanding: intellectually probing the mysteries of the faith. There are many mysteries of the faith (the Incarnation, salvation, Providence, free will, the liturgy/sacraments, Mary, etc.) Our ability to probe these mysteries will improve our discipleship and participation in the fullness of reality. From my own experience, understanding requires us to enter into the distinctively Catholic "both and" (verses either/or) way of thinking. We uphold that Christ is both fully human and fully man. We uphold that man has free will and God is omnipotent, etc. We learn to respect a mystery that lies within certain parameters, instead of expecting easy definitions.
3) Knowledge: our ability to see God in creation and use creation rightly. This is a sacramental world view, where everything in creation is a sacrament or "sign" of God in some way. How is it that my job, my family life, my friendships, my hobbies, etc. point to God. How can I relate to these things rightly so that I honor God through them? Knowledge points to the integrated Catholic perspective on reality. Strictly speaking, we don't divide up the world into the sacred and profane. Everything is sacred when done unto the Lord. In this way, everything can be a prayer and we can pray always. Daily life is becomes our ordinary place of encounter with God.
4) Fortitude: strength and courage in persevering in the faith. This one has always been straightforward to me.
5) Counsel: help in making good decisions, large and small. The longer I live, I understand how challenging it is to make a good decision. Usually, the right answer requires a wise balancing of goods. It is comforting to know that one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is help with doing this.
6) Piety: a strong filial sense in our relationship with God and neighbor. God and neighbor are not abstract concepts. We perceive ourselves as one divine family.
7) Fear of the Lord: a sense of awe and reverence for God. Respect for what is holy and a healthy aversion to sin.
1) Wisdom: the ability to see reality from God's perspective, to the point of embracing the cross. St. Paul reminds us that Christianity's defining message is Christ crucified. When we are wise in a distinctively Christian sense, our capacity to trust and love God is so great that we become willing to endure for His sake what is most repugnant to us (suffering).
2) Understanding: intellectually probing the mysteries of the faith. There are many mysteries of the faith (the Incarnation, salvation, Providence, free will, the liturgy/sacraments, Mary, etc.) Our ability to probe these mysteries will improve our discipleship and participation in the fullness of reality. From my own experience, understanding requires us to enter into the distinctively Catholic "both and" (verses either/or) way of thinking. We uphold that Christ is both fully human and fully man. We uphold that man has free will and God is omnipotent, etc. We learn to respect a mystery that lies within certain parameters, instead of expecting easy definitions.
3) Knowledge: our ability to see God in creation and use creation rightly. This is a sacramental world view, where everything in creation is a sacrament or "sign" of God in some way. How is it that my job, my family life, my friendships, my hobbies, etc. point to God. How can I relate to these things rightly so that I honor God through them? Knowledge points to the integrated Catholic perspective on reality. Strictly speaking, we don't divide up the world into the sacred and profane. Everything is sacred when done unto the Lord. In this way, everything can be a prayer and we can pray always. Daily life is becomes our ordinary place of encounter with God.
4) Fortitude: strength and courage in persevering in the faith. This one has always been straightforward to me.
5) Counsel: help in making good decisions, large and small. The longer I live, I understand how challenging it is to make a good decision. Usually, the right answer requires a wise balancing of goods. It is comforting to know that one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is help with doing this.
6) Piety: a strong filial sense in our relationship with God and neighbor. God and neighbor are not abstract concepts. We perceive ourselves as one divine family.
7) Fear of the Lord: a sense of awe and reverence for God. Respect for what is holy and a healthy aversion to sin.
Sunday, July 28, 2019
Theological ~ Mysteries
Catholicism encourages us to respect what is mysterious. We speak of the mystery the Trinity, the mystery of the cross, the mystery of the liturgy and sacraments, the mystery of the Eucharist, the mystery of Mary as Mother of God, the mystery of the Incarnation, the mystery of the Mystical Body of Christ, the mystery of salvation, the mystery of damnation, the mystery of God's Providence, the mystery of free will, the mystery of election, etc.
These mysteries are indeed hard to think about, and in certain cases require a trust in God that feels radical and even uncomfortable. For that reason, various heresies over the years have emerged to quash these mysteries and propose concrete, digestible "answers." At first, these "answers" seem to "solve" the problem; yet, with time, heresy always creates new problems and suffering.
The answer instead is to accept the boundaries the Church has placed around each mystery, and then reason and imagine within them. In doing so, the Church's understanding of various mysteries has progressed and deepened. At the same time, such a process protects what is sacred, transcendent, and ineffable to the human mind. In our humility, we must accept that there are some things we can never fully comprehend this side of heaven.
An example is to respect that the Church teaches both that God is all powerful, and that man has free will. Any idea of God's Providence that denies one or the other goes too far.
Apart from protecting what is sacred, this approach also teaches us an important lesson: we don't have to "know" everything to become saints. It's okay to say "that's above me." Total knowledge is not required for sainthood. We learn to trust God with the graces and understanding we do have. We give up the impossible and exhausting quest of trying to "know" everything. This frees us up so that we can start living and doing.
These mysteries are indeed hard to think about, and in certain cases require a trust in God that feels radical and even uncomfortable. For that reason, various heresies over the years have emerged to quash these mysteries and propose concrete, digestible "answers." At first, these "answers" seem to "solve" the problem; yet, with time, heresy always creates new problems and suffering.
The answer instead is to accept the boundaries the Church has placed around each mystery, and then reason and imagine within them. In doing so, the Church's understanding of various mysteries has progressed and deepened. At the same time, such a process protects what is sacred, transcendent, and ineffable to the human mind. In our humility, we must accept that there are some things we can never fully comprehend this side of heaven.
An example is to respect that the Church teaches both that God is all powerful, and that man has free will. Any idea of God's Providence that denies one or the other goes too far.
Apart from protecting what is sacred, this approach also teaches us an important lesson: we don't have to "know" everything to become saints. It's okay to say "that's above me." Total knowledge is not required for sainthood. We learn to trust God with the graces and understanding we do have. We give up the impossible and exhausting quest of trying to "know" everything. This frees us up so that we can start living and doing.
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Meditation ~ Thoughts from a city square
The Young: fresh, enthusiastic, promising
The Mature: experienced
The very young, the very old: human frailty
What is Beautiful: God's perfections
The Mature: experienced
The very young, the very old: human frailty
What is Beautiful: God's perfections
Everyone walking around: community, solidarity
The Poor: what we all are before God
Families: intimate, steadfast love
Singles: the possible, the transcendent
Race and Ethnicity: God's inexhaustible beauty
Male: God's power
Woman: God's mercy
The Poor: what we all are before God
Families: intimate, steadfast love
Singles: the possible, the transcendent
Race and Ethnicity: God's inexhaustible beauty
Male: God's power
Woman: God's mercy
Meditation ~ A Definition of Intelligence?
An active intellect gathers the data of life and seeks to harmonize it, without compromise.
Meditation ~ The Existential Chasm
The basic choice: does it make sense, or does it not make sense?
Faith comes first.
I argue that mental illness, insecurities, fears, and depression are rooted in our failure to decide positively in this matter. Too often, we choose faith in some matters and not others. We move forward in some ways, and backwards in others. It can be a blessing when we are brought in a striking way to the existential chasm, and realize that in fact, a choice must be made.
Either there is order, purpose, meaning....God.
Or there isn't....
Faith comes first.
I argue that mental illness, insecurities, fears, and depression are rooted in our failure to decide positively in this matter. Too often, we choose faith in some matters and not others. We move forward in some ways, and backwards in others. It can be a blessing when we are brought in a striking way to the existential chasm, and realize that in fact, a choice must be made.
Either there is order, purpose, meaning....God.
Or there isn't....
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Theological ~ Carmelite Tendencies
I've become increasingly aware of having what I understand to be a "Carmelite" spirituality:
1) An intense desire to experience God
2) An "all-or-nothing" spirituality; an intense desire to put everything on the altar for God, and consciously understand everything in my life as a path to God
3) A romantic personality, that strongly seeks a beloved, and union with the beloved
4) Intense interior life
5) Time spent in the deserts of life so that my soul can focus on God alone
6) Interior spiritual steel, forged out of "Dark Nights"
7) A constant, transcendent awareness. An otherworldly way of being.
8) An intense encounter with God in the interior of my heart, whereas in other spiritualities the encounter may be elsewhere, e.g. in nature and simple living (Franciscan), in exploration and the adventure (Jesuit), in intellectual truth and philosophy (Dominican).
9) A focus on my spousal relationship with God; deeply pondering Jesus as Bridegroom
10) The feeling of traversing whole continents without ever "going" anywhere; intensely moved by life as it is
10) The feeling of traversing whole continents without ever "going" anywhere; intensely moved by life as it is
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Poem ~ Knit Hearts
Knowing You, Holy Trinity
Needing You and others
Inspired by Your presence
Taking time to be with You, with others
Hungering for You above all things
Enjoying how You bring us all together
Adoring You as one people
Rejoicing in Zion
Transformed by Your Spirit
Sanctified and made pure in heart
Needing You and others
Inspired by Your presence
Taking time to be with You, with others
Hungering for You above all things
Enjoying how You bring us all together
Adoring You as one people
Rejoicing in Zion
Transformed by Your Spirit
Sanctified and made pure in heart
Meditation ~ Deep Healing
I would describe myself as someone who has, in my own way, strongly pursued my desires. As St. Augustine says, "our hearts are restless until they rest in you, Lord." As any convert can attest, I have found that to be true. However, I have found it to be true at an ever deepening level of my being as time has gone on. Some of those desires, many of which are interrelated:
1) The need to know that all things rest in the hands of a loving God
2) The need to know that suffering is meaningful
3) The need to know that life isn't random, but purposeful
4) The need to know that my life has a transcendent purpose
5) The need to "hand over the reins" to a competent higher power who can bring something good out of my weaknesses, sins, mistakes, and make up for all of the things I can't understand
6) Deep inner healing that capacitates me to truly care about others as much as myself
7) The regeneration of my desires, such that I can truly love what is good
8) Instruction that "puts it all together" so that I can understand how to harmonize seemingly contradictory goods (e.g. the goodness of both justice and mercy, physical pleasures and self-denial, healthy cultivating of the ego, the proper time and place for everything)
9) A new perspective that gives me joy in participating, instead of dominating and ascending
10) A spiritual renewal that helps me to enjoy life exactly as it is, given the inescapable realities of work, aging, and patiently enduring my own sinfulness and the sins of others
11) Deep communion with the transcendent, the "something" that is bigger than what I can articulate, but which I long for
12) Peace with the passage of time, so that I don't fear aging and death, but rather welcome the process of life
13) The ability to know myself and my purpose, which is hidden in God's Will. A sense of "vocation" and how I fit into the Body of Christ, so that I can objectively assess and cultivate my gifts, without competing with others.
14) A conscious answer to the question of what the purpose of life is, which encompasses the bewildering variety of goods that I see. A definition of ultimate good that is not reductive.
15) Help identifying and taming the vices that lurk deep within me, beneath the level of conscious drives
16) Freedom from needing things to be a certain way for me to be happy or content, or to believe that my life has value
17) By the grace of God, the healing of my various family relationships: immediate, extended, parochial, neighborhood, patriotic, universal brotherhood of man, participation in the Body of Christ
18) Healing my relationship with my body. Harmonizing the peculiarity of being spiritual and physical.
19) Healing my sense of "reality" and what it is: e.g. not living in my head only. Understanding that physical, concrete things are real and that God speaks and works through them. The transcendent is revealed through the physical.
20) Deeper wisdom about how God works through time and sin: that the universe is journeying towards perfection, that it has not yet arrived. To be patient and "stick with" the institutions God has created, (family, government, Church), even when they are not yet perfect. Our sin is not an obstacle to God accomplishing His purposes through what He has instituted.
21) Deeper understanding about both the beauty and limitations of human reasoning. On the one hand, it's a great gift that is meant to be engaged and challenged. It is also finite and flawed. Yet, it's limitations do not mean that it is "bad" or to be discarded. Reason ends up being like everything else in creation: we use it in faith, then leave the rest up to God, entrusting many mysteries about ourselves and others, and unknowns beyond our control, to Him.
22) The harmonization of eros and agape. Understanding that both desiring love and self-sacrificial love have their origin in the Trinity, therefore also a dignified place in human life.
23) A sense of time, and how to live as an infinite being in a finite world. Answer? The liturgical calendar. A time and a place for fasting, a time and a place for feasting. A time and a place for the various rituals of human life.
24) Jesus as Bridegroom. Seeing marriage as a sign of my relationship with God, such that I understand God as not only someone I am obedient to, but someone that my whole being and heart are destined for in a nuptial sense. In this way, religion engages not only my obedience, but my whole heart, which beats for romantic desire.
25) An understanding of relationships as being the most important thing, for God Himself is relational. To understand the greatest tragedies not in material terms, but in the sense of ruptured relationships. Understanding that I am fundamentally relational.
26) Wisdom on how to make sense of my emotions and how they are purposeful. A human anthropology that lets me think about everything that is going on "inside," and having vocabulary for it: passions, intellect, free will.
27) Greater integration of my whole self: I don't just worship in my head or sentiments, I worship with my body.
28) An integrated sense of history, wherein God has spoken consistently and purposefully to mankind from the very beginning. A way of understanding world events and empires as part of God's design to bring the world to Christ. Seeing God work through history in a stable way through His 2000 year old Catholic Church.
29) The ability to "offer up" my sufferings for others, so that I have a conscious participation in helping others through my suffering. The ability to help someone on the other end of the world through prayer and sacrifice.
30) The teaching on Original Sin helps me to make peace with my own incomprehensible complexity and understand why I have hurt myself and others, and why they have hurt me.
31) Healed relationship with my femininity. I can make peace with feeling less motivated by money and ambition, and understand why I have the need to focus on nurturing even though this offers less worldly compensation.
32) Greater respect for nature, and awareness that God works through natural processes. Increased respect for my human needs, including need for exercise, a balanced lifestyle, pleasure, and the reality that I have finite energy and can only learn things gradually, even spiritual things, which grow in tandem with natural development.
I'm sure there are more things.....
Without all of this healing, which I believe could only be totally achieved through my conversion to Catholicism, I was fundamentally alienated. I didn't know how to make sense of myself, my relationships, or the "big picture." It's not that all of my ideas about these things were flawed, it's just that they weren't anchored in something bigger and trustworthy beyond myself. It was just "my" idea. I wanted to know what God's ideas were. Only Catholicism taught that God Himself walked the earth and established a permanent Church that could impart His truths to mankind. Now, I can rest in knowing that the truth doesn't reside "in my head." It is something objective and historical, outside of myself.
1) The need to know that all things rest in the hands of a loving God
2) The need to know that suffering is meaningful
3) The need to know that life isn't random, but purposeful
4) The need to know that my life has a transcendent purpose
5) The need to "hand over the reins" to a competent higher power who can bring something good out of my weaknesses, sins, mistakes, and make up for all of the things I can't understand
6) Deep inner healing that capacitates me to truly care about others as much as myself
7) The regeneration of my desires, such that I can truly love what is good
8) Instruction that "puts it all together" so that I can understand how to harmonize seemingly contradictory goods (e.g. the goodness of both justice and mercy, physical pleasures and self-denial, healthy cultivating of the ego, the proper time and place for everything)
9) A new perspective that gives me joy in participating, instead of dominating and ascending
10) A spiritual renewal that helps me to enjoy life exactly as it is, given the inescapable realities of work, aging, and patiently enduring my own sinfulness and the sins of others
11) Deep communion with the transcendent, the "something" that is bigger than what I can articulate, but which I long for
12) Peace with the passage of time, so that I don't fear aging and death, but rather welcome the process of life
13) The ability to know myself and my purpose, which is hidden in God's Will. A sense of "vocation" and how I fit into the Body of Christ, so that I can objectively assess and cultivate my gifts, without competing with others.
14) A conscious answer to the question of what the purpose of life is, which encompasses the bewildering variety of goods that I see. A definition of ultimate good that is not reductive.
15) Help identifying and taming the vices that lurk deep within me, beneath the level of conscious drives
16) Freedom from needing things to be a certain way for me to be happy or content, or to believe that my life has value
17) By the grace of God, the healing of my various family relationships: immediate, extended, parochial, neighborhood, patriotic, universal brotherhood of man, participation in the Body of Christ
18) Healing my relationship with my body. Harmonizing the peculiarity of being spiritual and physical.
19) Healing my sense of "reality" and what it is: e.g. not living in my head only. Understanding that physical, concrete things are real and that God speaks and works through them. The transcendent is revealed through the physical.
20) Deeper wisdom about how God works through time and sin: that the universe is journeying towards perfection, that it has not yet arrived. To be patient and "stick with" the institutions God has created, (family, government, Church), even when they are not yet perfect. Our sin is not an obstacle to God accomplishing His purposes through what He has instituted.
21) Deeper understanding about both the beauty and limitations of human reasoning. On the one hand, it's a great gift that is meant to be engaged and challenged. It is also finite and flawed. Yet, it's limitations do not mean that it is "bad" or to be discarded. Reason ends up being like everything else in creation: we use it in faith, then leave the rest up to God, entrusting many mysteries about ourselves and others, and unknowns beyond our control, to Him.
22) The harmonization of eros and agape. Understanding that both desiring love and self-sacrificial love have their origin in the Trinity, therefore also a dignified place in human life.
23) A sense of time, and how to live as an infinite being in a finite world. Answer? The liturgical calendar. A time and a place for fasting, a time and a place for feasting. A time and a place for the various rituals of human life.
24) Jesus as Bridegroom. Seeing marriage as a sign of my relationship with God, such that I understand God as not only someone I am obedient to, but someone that my whole being and heart are destined for in a nuptial sense. In this way, religion engages not only my obedience, but my whole heart, which beats for romantic desire.
25) An understanding of relationships as being the most important thing, for God Himself is relational. To understand the greatest tragedies not in material terms, but in the sense of ruptured relationships. Understanding that I am fundamentally relational.
26) Wisdom on how to make sense of my emotions and how they are purposeful. A human anthropology that lets me think about everything that is going on "inside," and having vocabulary for it: passions, intellect, free will.
27) Greater integration of my whole self: I don't just worship in my head or sentiments, I worship with my body.
28) An integrated sense of history, wherein God has spoken consistently and purposefully to mankind from the very beginning. A way of understanding world events and empires as part of God's design to bring the world to Christ. Seeing God work through history in a stable way through His 2000 year old Catholic Church.
29) The ability to "offer up" my sufferings for others, so that I have a conscious participation in helping others through my suffering. The ability to help someone on the other end of the world through prayer and sacrifice.
30) The teaching on Original Sin helps me to make peace with my own incomprehensible complexity and understand why I have hurt myself and others, and why they have hurt me.
31) Healed relationship with my femininity. I can make peace with feeling less motivated by money and ambition, and understand why I have the need to focus on nurturing even though this offers less worldly compensation.
32) Greater respect for nature, and awareness that God works through natural processes. Increased respect for my human needs, including need for exercise, a balanced lifestyle, pleasure, and the reality that I have finite energy and can only learn things gradually, even spiritual things, which grow in tandem with natural development.
I'm sure there are more things.....
Without all of this healing, which I believe could only be totally achieved through my conversion to Catholicism, I was fundamentally alienated. I didn't know how to make sense of myself, my relationships, or the "big picture." It's not that all of my ideas about these things were flawed, it's just that they weren't anchored in something bigger and trustworthy beyond myself. It was just "my" idea. I wanted to know what God's ideas were. Only Catholicism taught that God Himself walked the earth and established a permanent Church that could impart His truths to mankind. Now, I can rest in knowing that the truth doesn't reside "in my head." It is something objective and historical, outside of myself.
Friday, July 5, 2019
Meditation ~ Layers of Family
It's hard to understand what Trinitarian life looks like, and that's why God created family. Family is all about a communion of persons who share life together.
Of course, there's our immediate family, but then also extended family, neighbors, colleagues, friends, those who share our ethnicity and/or citizenship. For Catholics, there's membership in the parish and the universal Church (militant, suffering, and triumphant!)
I believe that a life in the Spirit is a life of ever deepening familial relationships. To grow in the Spirit is to grow in intimacy with the Trinity, the family to whom all families point. From that relationship flows a love of every other family in which we participate. God helps us associate definitive happiness with happy relationships. This is to be distinguished from merely being social. Rather, it's about meaningfully giving up ourselves for others, and them doing so for us. If love isn't costly, it isn't really love.
When St. John describes lust of the flesh, eyes, and pride of life, he enumerates the three primary drives that break up families: desire for unmitigated pleasure, wealth, and/or achievement. In contrast, family living creates an ecosystem wherein each person has their own duties and privileges. The family "works" because each person does their role well for the good of all the others.
Typical in the breakdown of families is for leaders to exploit their power, or for those with less authority to envy those in power. Leaders must exercise their power for the good of all. Subordinates must understand that through the leadership of one, the many are served.
Successful living could be defined in terms of successful participation in family life: rightly understanding my duties and doing them, rightly understanding my privileges and enjoying them. We love those we serve, and also those who serve us. The combination of duties and privileges creates interdependency and the deep, purposeful relationships we crave.
Of course, there's our immediate family, but then also extended family, neighbors, colleagues, friends, those who share our ethnicity and/or citizenship. For Catholics, there's membership in the parish and the universal Church (militant, suffering, and triumphant!)
I believe that a life in the Spirit is a life of ever deepening familial relationships. To grow in the Spirit is to grow in intimacy with the Trinity, the family to whom all families point. From that relationship flows a love of every other family in which we participate. God helps us associate definitive happiness with happy relationships. This is to be distinguished from merely being social. Rather, it's about meaningfully giving up ourselves for others, and them doing so for us. If love isn't costly, it isn't really love.
When St. John describes lust of the flesh, eyes, and pride of life, he enumerates the three primary drives that break up families: desire for unmitigated pleasure, wealth, and/or achievement. In contrast, family living creates an ecosystem wherein each person has their own duties and privileges. The family "works" because each person does their role well for the good of all the others.
Typical in the breakdown of families is for leaders to exploit their power, or for those with less authority to envy those in power. Leaders must exercise their power for the good of all. Subordinates must understand that through the leadership of one, the many are served.
Successful living could be defined in terms of successful participation in family life: rightly understanding my duties and doing them, rightly understanding my privileges and enjoying them. We love those we serve, and also those who serve us. The combination of duties and privileges creates interdependency and the deep, purposeful relationships we crave.
Monday, July 1, 2019
Meditation ~ New Changes Post Conversion
I've felt God guiding me to live in greater peace and peace. The following are specific changes that have occurred over the past four years since my baptism.
1) A new relationship with time.
The Liturgical Calendar has helped me develop a "time and place" mentality not only for my devotional life, but also for life in general. There's a time when I check my email and respond to texts; a time when I run by this or that store, a time when I write, a time when I drink wine and read poetry. When everything has a time and place, life just flows better. I also find myself cultivating and appreciating the variety of life. Knowing that everything has a time and place helps me to relax when I work; for relaxation is on the horizon.
A steady flow of activities enables skills to build. A regular prayer routine builds into thousands of prayers said for a particular intention. Regularity with that weekly wine/poetry date means many poems read; a personal goal to better appreciate poetry is met. The passing of time becomes purposeful, not something to be dreaded. It becomes a pleasure to watch things build.
2) A new identification of fulfillment with relational living.
Pre-conversion, coming from a Mormon (non-Trinitarian) viewpoint, I would have said that the most important thing in life is obeying God, doing the work He asks you to do, and being all that He made you to be. Then, at the end of all the toiling, would be a heavenly harvest of various achievement (eternal marriage, exaltation, superior knowledge and virtue).
As a Catholic, I understand that holiness is not fundamentally about achieving things, even in the eternal sense. What makes Heaven amazing is not all the things I accumulate and achieve as a result of my righteousness. What makes Heaven amazing is enjoying the deepest fulfillment of my relationship with God and others.
God is not solitary. He's a communion of persons. My joy is entering into that, and enjoying that relationship with all the other saints. Definitive joy means living relationally. Hell is isolation.
Personal holiness and achievement are wonderful, but not apart from charity. Apart from charity, these things are just one of many dead end false idols we can bow down to. As dead ends go, they are harder to spot than the dead ends of addiction, lust, wealth. Under the guise of "getting good grades" and "achieving at extracurriculars," we can begin to worship achievement for the sake of achievement. This is the false idol I used to worship, without even realizing I was doing it. I thought I was achieving lots of things for God.
As a Catholic, I encountered the Triune God and knew Him as God. A new north star was planted in my heart. Until we are regenerated in baptism and mature in our discernment, our true vocation can be inscrutable to us, buried beneath layers of self-worship, false worship, and ignorance.
3) A more specific and narrow definition of self, which enables participation in the Body of Christ
To be everything is to be nothing. You aren't something unless you're not something else. Pre-conversion, I tried to be everything to everyone. I believed there was a "right" way of living that somehow covered all the basis. I looked at the world around me and saw so many amazing things worth achieving and being. I wanted to be everything and possess every skill and excellence.
The problem with this line of thinking is that, first of all, it's impossible. We are all gifted by God to be something, and not something else. There are only 24 hrs in a day. We are not living in reality until we cultivate our strengths and accept our limitations.
Further, this worldview leaves no room for community. Why "come together" with others, if you already possess all the gifts? A realizing of "needing" the gifts and strengths of others, is the primary incentive for reaching out beyond yourself and forming relationships.
The longer I live as a Catholic, the more content I am to live within my niche. I realize that not only does this keep my life orderly, but it incentivizes me to reach out beyond myself and keeps me humble. My niche is indeed little. What a relief it is that holiness consists in living out this littleness with love and devotion.
4) Everything is a path to God
A Catholic, sacramental worldview now explains why my Sunday glass of wine is a path to experiencing God. There are no longer "religious" things, and "non-religious "things. It's all religious! Everything has spiritual significance. This further helps me to find a time and place for everything. It's all important and all of creation has dignity, and I deeply need creation, which reveals God.
5) The Cross
In most non-Catholic Christian churches, crosses are less visible and the idea of redemptive suffering in union with Christ is not taught. Suffice it to say that the concept of "offering it up" is life changing. Suffering is never experienced in the same way again. One can definitively make peace with suffering.
6) Heaven is Now
When we understand that Heaven is fundamentally about experiencing the Trinity, then we understand how it is possible to experience Heaven now. I now focus on cultivating happiness in a way that I never did before. If I'm not joyful, I think first about a potential discipleship problem, instead of focusing on a temporal problem.
7) A more romantic worldview
It truly gives one cause for pause to realize that sexuality and family life point to God Himself, and His inner Triune life. The Song of Songs is an amusing stumbling block placed in the Bible, lest we ever become too puritanical in our thinking. Sexuality is elevated from a mere natural pleasure to something divine. If sexuality is divine, then passion and desire are also elevated to something supernatural. We are destined for the Wedding Supper of the Lamb. Temporal marriage points to the marriage of the Church and Christ. The gospel is all about marriage and love. We fall in love with God and are married to Him forever.
After meditating upon this for some time, I've been inspired to be more receptive, passionate, desiring, and relational. I'm more quick to condemn emotions and attitudes in me that "close me off" from God and others. No one wants to marry or date someone who's cold and stiff. In order to be romantic in the natural sense, we have to be able to fall in love. We need to be able to be in the moment, have a sense of humor, a healthy appreciation of pleasure, and enjoyment of life and the other is required. God wants us to mature our in our ability to do these things, not only with our temporal spouse, but with Him.
1) A new relationship with time.
The Liturgical Calendar has helped me develop a "time and place" mentality not only for my devotional life, but also for life in general. There's a time when I check my email and respond to texts; a time when I run by this or that store, a time when I write, a time when I drink wine and read poetry. When everything has a time and place, life just flows better. I also find myself cultivating and appreciating the variety of life. Knowing that everything has a time and place helps me to relax when I work; for relaxation is on the horizon.
A steady flow of activities enables skills to build. A regular prayer routine builds into thousands of prayers said for a particular intention. Regularity with that weekly wine/poetry date means many poems read; a personal goal to better appreciate poetry is met. The passing of time becomes purposeful, not something to be dreaded. It becomes a pleasure to watch things build.
2) A new identification of fulfillment with relational living.
Pre-conversion, coming from a Mormon (non-Trinitarian) viewpoint, I would have said that the most important thing in life is obeying God, doing the work He asks you to do, and being all that He made you to be. Then, at the end of all the toiling, would be a heavenly harvest of various achievement (eternal marriage, exaltation, superior knowledge and virtue).
As a Catholic, I understand that holiness is not fundamentally about achieving things, even in the eternal sense. What makes Heaven amazing is not all the things I accumulate and achieve as a result of my righteousness. What makes Heaven amazing is enjoying the deepest fulfillment of my relationship with God and others.
God is not solitary. He's a communion of persons. My joy is entering into that, and enjoying that relationship with all the other saints. Definitive joy means living relationally. Hell is isolation.
Personal holiness and achievement are wonderful, but not apart from charity. Apart from charity, these things are just one of many dead end false idols we can bow down to. As dead ends go, they are harder to spot than the dead ends of addiction, lust, wealth. Under the guise of "getting good grades" and "achieving at extracurriculars," we can begin to worship achievement for the sake of achievement. This is the false idol I used to worship, without even realizing I was doing it. I thought I was achieving lots of things for God.
As a Catholic, I encountered the Triune God and knew Him as God. A new north star was planted in my heart. Until we are regenerated in baptism and mature in our discernment, our true vocation can be inscrutable to us, buried beneath layers of self-worship, false worship, and ignorance.
3) A more specific and narrow definition of self, which enables participation in the Body of Christ
To be everything is to be nothing. You aren't something unless you're not something else. Pre-conversion, I tried to be everything to everyone. I believed there was a "right" way of living that somehow covered all the basis. I looked at the world around me and saw so many amazing things worth achieving and being. I wanted to be everything and possess every skill and excellence.
The problem with this line of thinking is that, first of all, it's impossible. We are all gifted by God to be something, and not something else. There are only 24 hrs in a day. We are not living in reality until we cultivate our strengths and accept our limitations.
Further, this worldview leaves no room for community. Why "come together" with others, if you already possess all the gifts? A realizing of "needing" the gifts and strengths of others, is the primary incentive for reaching out beyond yourself and forming relationships.
The longer I live as a Catholic, the more content I am to live within my niche. I realize that not only does this keep my life orderly, but it incentivizes me to reach out beyond myself and keeps me humble. My niche is indeed little. What a relief it is that holiness consists in living out this littleness with love and devotion.
4) Everything is a path to God
A Catholic, sacramental worldview now explains why my Sunday glass of wine is a path to experiencing God. There are no longer "religious" things, and "non-religious "things. It's all religious! Everything has spiritual significance. This further helps me to find a time and place for everything. It's all important and all of creation has dignity, and I deeply need creation, which reveals God.
5) The Cross
In most non-Catholic Christian churches, crosses are less visible and the idea of redemptive suffering in union with Christ is not taught. Suffice it to say that the concept of "offering it up" is life changing. Suffering is never experienced in the same way again. One can definitively make peace with suffering.
6) Heaven is Now
When we understand that Heaven is fundamentally about experiencing the Trinity, then we understand how it is possible to experience Heaven now. I now focus on cultivating happiness in a way that I never did before. If I'm not joyful, I think first about a potential discipleship problem, instead of focusing on a temporal problem.
7) A more romantic worldview
It truly gives one cause for pause to realize that sexuality and family life point to God Himself, and His inner Triune life. The Song of Songs is an amusing stumbling block placed in the Bible, lest we ever become too puritanical in our thinking. Sexuality is elevated from a mere natural pleasure to something divine. If sexuality is divine, then passion and desire are also elevated to something supernatural. We are destined for the Wedding Supper of the Lamb. Temporal marriage points to the marriage of the Church and Christ. The gospel is all about marriage and love. We fall in love with God and are married to Him forever.
After meditating upon this for some time, I've been inspired to be more receptive, passionate, desiring, and relational. I'm more quick to condemn emotions and attitudes in me that "close me off" from God and others. No one wants to marry or date someone who's cold and stiff. In order to be romantic in the natural sense, we have to be able to fall in love. We need to be able to be in the moment, have a sense of humor, a healthy appreciation of pleasure, and enjoyment of life and the other is required. God wants us to mature our in our ability to do these things, not only with our temporal spouse, but with Him.
Meditation ~ Being in Heaven Now
Someday when/if I'm a mom, what will be the most important gift to give my children? At this point in my spiritual development, I would say participation in the Trinitarian life. I want my kids to understand that their deepest desires for love, thrills, and connection can be satisfied. I want them to experience a satiation of their deepest desires, insofar as that is possible this side of Heaven, and to identity that satiation with God Himself. Religion is not about "being good," where self-denial is an end in itself. It's about cultivating and satisfying our deepest desires.
As Catholics, we understand participation in the Triune Life to be the essence of Heaven, and the principle of sanctification. The Holy Trinity is poured into us at baptism, and our participation in God will continue to deepen and mature as long as we are receptive to Him.
I phrase things in terms of "The Triune Life," instead of a "relationship with Jesus," or "getting to Heaven," because I think the connotation of the former helps us best grasp "the big picture."
Having a "relationship with Jesus" and "getting to Heaven," are obviously crucial goals. However, the former puts an emphasis on Jesus's atoning sacrifice, which we must remember is a (most necessary) means to an end. Jesus died for us so that we could experience Eternal Life within the Trinity, not only in the future, but now. Are our lives bursting with fruits of the Spirit? Are we in Heaven right now? It's possible to be intellectually obedient to the idea of Jesus, to accept Him as our Savior, to attend mass, fear Hell, and obey the precepts of the Church, without overflowing with spiritual fruits. The question is whether or not Eternal Life characterizes the quality of our lives here, and now. Sometimes we need to think beyond the cross itself--to the promised land we enter via the cross--to cultivate Heaven on Earth.
"Getting to Heaven," is a necessary expression. Yet sometimes it has a laborious connotation. We are not only journeying to Heaven; done rightly, we are already in Heaven, as we journey towards it definitively. Are we experiencing Heaven now? If we're not, there are likely problems in our discipleship. Perhaps we're focusing too much on externals, not enough on our internal state.
Do we know how to recognize the presence of God in our lives, and abide in it? We can't see God with our physical eyes; can we see Him with the eyes of the heart? Do we desire God with our whole being and experience the fulfillment of that desire?
As Catholics, we understand participation in the Triune Life to be the essence of Heaven, and the principle of sanctification. The Holy Trinity is poured into us at baptism, and our participation in God will continue to deepen and mature as long as we are receptive to Him.
I phrase things in terms of "The Triune Life," instead of a "relationship with Jesus," or "getting to Heaven," because I think the connotation of the former helps us best grasp "the big picture."
Having a "relationship with Jesus" and "getting to Heaven," are obviously crucial goals. However, the former puts an emphasis on Jesus's atoning sacrifice, which we must remember is a (most necessary) means to an end. Jesus died for us so that we could experience Eternal Life within the Trinity, not only in the future, but now. Are our lives bursting with fruits of the Spirit? Are we in Heaven right now? It's possible to be intellectually obedient to the idea of Jesus, to accept Him as our Savior, to attend mass, fear Hell, and obey the precepts of the Church, without overflowing with spiritual fruits. The question is whether or not Eternal Life characterizes the quality of our lives here, and now. Sometimes we need to think beyond the cross itself--to the promised land we enter via the cross--to cultivate Heaven on Earth.
"Getting to Heaven," is a necessary expression. Yet sometimes it has a laborious connotation. We are not only journeying to Heaven; done rightly, we are already in Heaven, as we journey towards it definitively. Are we experiencing Heaven now? If we're not, there are likely problems in our discipleship. Perhaps we're focusing too much on externals, not enough on our internal state.
Do we know how to recognize the presence of God in our lives, and abide in it? We can't see God with our physical eyes; can we see Him with the eyes of the heart? Do we desire God with our whole being and experience the fulfillment of that desire?
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