Meditation ~ Seeing Suffering as a Second Chance

The Church proposes various answers to explain why God permits evil and suffering. From my own experience, the most compelling answer seems to be that only suffering shows us the depths of our sin and weakness. It has taken various trials to convince me of the truth that St. Paul declared, that we are all born sinners in need of a Redeemer.

It is a great comfort to me, in times of suffering, to remember that I need it. Much as I might like to think otherwise, I simply have a long way to go before living and loving the way that the Savior did. Before God heals the situation or answers the prayer, I have lots of pride and idolatry that need to be dealt with. Every day that God permits the difficult situation to continue, is a day for me to see my sin and hopefully address it.

Meditation ~ A Reasonable Basis for Surrender

After so much studying and pondering, there is still so much I don't understand. However, I do know that I've found the One who does understand. Catholicism helps me to understand the simple things God expects of me, while also informing me of the mysteries and boundaries I must respect. Before I converted to Catholicism, I could only have blind faith and hope that everything would work out. Now, I have a reasonable basis for surrendering.

It turns out there were "answers" to find. "Just be happy" is a a simple way of living that we can relax into once we have surrendered to God and His happiness becomes our happiness. Before He is found, the surrender comes too soon. Sometimes we have to fight and struggle to be freed of whatever might keep us from obtaining those answers. It matters that we know the One who created us and saves us. He wants to be known.

Know God first, then rest.

Theological ~ The Wisdom of Ecclesiastes

The bleakness of Ecclesiastes sets in every time the Quester attempts absolute anything: absolute riches, knowledge, pleasure, even wisdom. The absolute, of course, pertains to God. We play God anytime we try to "have it all" and "know it all," instead of seeing ourselves as creatures in an ecosystem subject to God's yes or no.

The wisdom to be desired is this: be a mere creature, mindful of the one who created you. Content yourself with His provision, that's it. Eat, drink, and enjoy whatever benefits come your way for as long as they last. Firmly understand that you are not God, meanwhile enjoy your life as much as you can within the boundaries that God has set. Don't try to understand the seeming futility and injustices of life. You won't be able to make heads or tails of all of it, even if you tried. Don't waste your time scratching your head, accumulating, or controlling; instead, get busy with whatever God places on your plate.

Meditation ~ Eros (Gas Pedal)

In thinking about how eros and agape interact, I realized you could compare eros to pushing the gas pedal. It gives us forward movement towards something. Agape is like the steering wheel and breaks. It gives direction to that forward movement and makes sure we stop for others, and stay in our lane.

There's a sense in which eros is the more primary. After all, without it, there is no need for a steering wheel/breaks. However, it would be a terrifying ride indeed if you couldn't control the car.

In this light, we can see that both eros and agape are made for each other.

Meditation ~ Eros and Agape

It's really, really hard integrating desiring love (eros) with self-sacrificing love (agape). Yet, without either one, we are not fully alive. To deny the first is to extinguish the motor force that connects us to others, creation, and God. In fact, the whole purpose of going to Heaven is because we desire God. No desire, no reason to prefer Heaven over Hell. To deny the second, is to become a menace to everyone else, using and abusing those around you. It means to take without giving back.

There is a sense in which eros and agape are mutually exclusive. It's much easier to just go all one way or the other. Most sincere Christians will not feel comfortable with outright hedonism, so they'll swing in the direction of asceticism or manichaeism, often without knowing, just to play it safe.

But we were never meant to merely follow rules and play it safe. We were created to love and desire with the heart of God. The beautiful thing about grace is that it exists to purify our desires and align them with God's own. That way, we can deeply desire and grow in holiness as we do. 

Meditation ~ Do We Really Want What Marriage Actually Is?

To love in a spousal way is to make a total gift of self. God is spousal (within the Trinity, His love for Israel, His love for the Church), and we are made in His image. We will only find the deep love we crave when we imitate His way of loving.

Yet, in our sin, we reserve this kind of love for ourselves. In our sin, we hate marriage for what it really is, though we pursue it in its appearance and perks. We want the engagement photos, the wedding party, the sex, the companionship on our terms. We don’t want to significantly share our time, money, emotions, and destiny.

To get what we really want—the deep, intimate connection of spousal love—we have to surrender and let go. We have to adjust our thinking from “me” to “we.” This is the exact opposite of the way sinners think.

Do we love in a Trinitarian way? Do we even want to?

Theological ~ A Catholic Understanding of Commandments

A Catholic understanding of commandments:

The Holy Spirit puts you in friendship with God here and for all eternity, but take care not to reject Him. Stay within these boundaries.

A Pelagian understanding of commandments:

The good you need to do to get into Heaven.

Meditation ~ On Wanting Things

Instead of being “good” by wanting things less, what about wanting more?

Both holiness and sin are fueled by desire. The difference lies in wanting to possess God and all that He has made, and wanting to be God.

To possess God and God's creation, is to be outward and transcendent. It is to recognize that, on my own, I am unfulfilled. It is to live to be filled, by God above all, and secondly by all that He has made. It delights in joining in, and being filled.

To desire to be God, is a bid at absolute self-sufficiency. It is to not need anyone. It is to not need God, and not need others. This feels powerful at first, but ends up in loneliness.

To want is good, only want the right things!

"To seek the highest good is to live well."

"Love, and do what you like." 

-St. Augustine

Meditation ~ Natural and Supernatural Virtue

If my human nature is dysfunctional, (e.g bad habits, poor social skills), then my ability to both experience and project the Divine will be hindered. Everything we do proclaims an idea. We live ideas through our actions. When I'm not "living" rightly, then I'm not thinking rightly. If I'm not thinking rightly, then I won't emote rightly. 

The catechism speaks of human nature "cooperating" with the Holy Spirit (grace). Although we don't understand everything about how this interaction works, we do know that virtue (natural and supernatural) facilities deep communion with the Holy Spirit. It pleases God to sanctify the whole man, spiritual and physical.

Meditation ~ Love v. Lust Part 2

Both love and lust are powerful drives toward what is seen as desirable, yet.....

Love creates connection. When I love, I participate in the "we." It is me and you.

Lust is domination and consumption. When I lust, it is me over you.

Meditation ~ Heaven, Now?

When I ponder the trajectory of my spiritual life, I think of the following phases:

1) Forming faith in Heaven (foundation for grace)
2) Taking remote interest in Heaven (in need of conversion)
3) Fear of not getting into Heaven (conversion)
4) Desire for Heaven, not Earth (sanctification)
5) Seeking Heaven on Earth (deepening sanctification)
6) Experiencing Heaven on Earth (Eucharistic living)

Veni, Sancte Spiritus!

Meditation ~ Conscious v. Subconscious

From my own lived experience....

We take in data via our senses, upon which it is stored in our brains. There it sits, raw and undigested in the form of subconscious thought. With conscious thought comes the unpacking and integration. We may not understand our subconscious thoughts yet, but we are still reacting to them emotionally. Therefore, to access them, we start by thinking about our emotions. The subconscious is also the level at which the Holy Spirit often speaks to us.

We need time for contemplation and prayer so that we can sort through the data of our lives and integrate it into our conscious thought, where that data becomes operative. The subconscious can also be a powerful source of objectivity insofar as it is unprocessed data.

Sometimes, you go through phases of life that emphasize living (gathering data), contemplating (analyzing that data), or course-correcting (practicing wisdom).

In a sense, youth, middle-age, and old-age follow that arc. Youth (gathering data), middle-age (analyzing data), old-age (course-correction, wisdom).

Meditation ~ Love v. Lust Part 1

Perhaps:

If the experience of something pleasurable leaves me with increased energy to connect joyfully with others, then it pertains to love.

If the experience of something pleasurable leaves me with decreased energy to connect joyfully with others, then it pertains to lust.

Theological ~ Is Purgatory Really Inevitable?

Why do we think of Purgatory as inevitable?

It's a wonder we aren't fit for Heaven after just one Communion: we literally ingest the body and blood of God.

I believe that the great hope of our faith is to be sanctified here and now. Our loved ones need our best. Let's not wait for holiness after death. God has given us all the resources we need to be holy, over time, in this life.

Meditation ~ The Holy Spirit as the Ineffable Difference

It is possible to be gratified by nature alone.

Yet, only those things experienced in union with the Holy Spirit leave nothing to be desired.

Meditation ~ Contemplation as Beginning and End

{UPDATE: my life has since become much more "active" since writing this. But it's fun to keep this posted here as a record of my thought process.}

Vocations: the idea of paths to God, of experiencing God through a particular lifestyle, people, places, things.

How do you encounter God?

I think for me it's the contemplative life, having time to enjoy things like a walk to the park with my dog, baking brownies and watching a movie, reading, quality time with the people I care about, taking care of people as an educator, going to lunch, time sitting in front of a piano, time for adoration in the middle of the day, time, time, time....

There's nothing I love more than a free afternoon.

When I look at my own life path, not everything about it is ideal. I have sacrificed some things and learned to live within certain boundaries and limitations. However, the one thing my life path allows for, is free time. I have had the time to think, and think.

I thought what I wanted out of all of this was a well-ordered mind. I intuited that God was sovereign over everything and that not all choices are made equal. What is truth? How do I live a good life?

Those questions are still important to me, and I'm excited to say that the journey does yield fruit, and I have found answers. That said, I have also come to see that for me contemplation is not a means to an end, only. It is not just about finding answers so that I can go out and do something different.

Instead, there is a sense in which contemplation is an end in itself. Having arrived at the truth, which is love, it can feel great to just savor it.

I like to think of it as the beginning of the Beatific Vision, here and now.

Meditation ~ On Emotional Formation

"Formation"....

A word that comes up in the catechism, a word that resonates with Catholics because it speaks well to our theology: embrace nature, only you must cultivate it by the grace of God, for God.

Take basic emotions like happiness, peace, sorrow, frustration, anger. For each, there is a sanctified version, glorious when redeemed by grace. For each, an ungodly fleshly version. If we're honest with ourselves, as works-in-progress, we experience a blend of both.

What does holy happiness, peace, sorrow, frustration, etc. look like?

How can we tell the difference?

When the matter is not as simple as "experience this emotion" and "don't experience that one," we come back to the Laochoön principle: we learn by imitation. We need good examples. We need to surround ourselves with things that promote a healthy and holy emotional life.

For the most part, I think we rely on a process of the Holy Spirit's guidance and trial by error. Over time, as St. Ignatius of Loyola discovered during his conversion, we discover that certain kinds of thrills are at the same time, mysteriously draining. We discover seeds of joy in unexpected places. As we stay the course and reevaluate, we come to learn in the long run what promotes emotional health, and what does not.

What books, music, people, experiences, hobbies, etc. promote vibrant, life-giving emotions in you?

Theological ~ Reflections on Joy

The presence or absence of "joy" makes all the difference. People are hungry for joy; perhaps when Jesus said we do not live by bread alone, He was thinking of our need for joy.

What is joy? A Catholic way of thinking about it might be to call it happiness baptized. In other words, it is a natural emotion that has taken on a supernatural dimension. It is no less natural of an experience for this. It is now simultaneously a natural and supernatural experience. It is heaven and earth united.

When we enjoy a delicious meal or look into the eyes of someone we love, and we do so with an awareness of God being present to us through those things, we experience joy. God's presence to us in union with the good obtained, lends our experience of that thing the flavor of definitive contentment and meaning. Perhaps this experience of communion between God, people, and nature, is a foretaste of the mysterious Biblical promise that one day God will be all in all.

To receive joy, we have to be open to the gifts God gives, and open to God Himself. Because joy has both natural and supernatural dimensions, it requires natural and supernatural formation. We must learn to desire and have positive emotional responses towards creation. Too often, it is assumed that having fun is something human beings just know how to to do; it is not. We must learn how to value and savor the good things of life; sadly, the dismissal and devaluation of the good things of life is a learned response as well. Then, our hearts must be open to God, so that He can share in those moments with us. Sin in all of its manifestations can choke up our hearts so that God is pushed to the sidelines and absent from our daily experiences.

Little kids experience joy more easily and frequently because of their innocence and natural interest in everything new around them. Their joy, however, is a joy untested. Adults are tested, naturally and supernaturally, in ways that kids are not. Sometimes it's the crosses of life: bills, work, loneliness, health problems, complicated relationships, and dreams deferred. Sometimes it's that God remains hidden to us emotionally, allowing us to mature in our faith by persevering out of raw determination. Often, it's a combination of both. This is the essence of the Biblical wisdom that God tries the ones He loves. The dark nights of the soul, undesirable as they may be, are gifts from God that prepare us for greater joy, by increasing our holiness and capacity for God.

For this reason, joy is both a gift to cultivate, and a gift to wait on the Lord for. We must do our part to cultivate delight in the world around us and to open up our hearts to God. That said, we can't skip the growing pains of life. In the Lord's Providence, it may be our time for trial and wrestling with His seeming absence and the pain of whatever we're going through. It's simply isn't God's will that we experience positive emotions all of the time, otherwise we'd never learn to live from a place of sheer will power and sacrifice. The words, "Lord, your will be done" need to be said even when we're not feeling like it, if we are to be humbled and purified of selfishness.

Joyful people are to be appreciated and admired, but joy per se is not the litmus test of holiness. Doing the will of God, is. As a child, I felt joy: I experienced good things, and God's presence. Yet, adult life demanded much greater depths of faith. As an adult, it is sometimes harder to count the good things, especially when God veils His presence and we experience St. John of the Cross's dark night of the soul, or the desolations described by Saint Ignatius.

Job was not always joyful, yet he did not sin. The Psalms and Book of Lamentations are not always joyful, yet they are in our Bible.

As with all things, joy is ultimately a gift received. We are not in ultimate control of its presence or absence in any given moment, yet we have the sobering power to resist it. As the saying goes with salvation, "you can't earn it, but you can lose it." In the same way with joy, we can not summon it or generate it of ourselves, but we can resist it.

So, when we are not feeling joyful, that's not necessarily a bad thing. We should focus on negative lifestyle choices and attitudes that could be getting in the way. Since joy has a natural component, we should ask "am I making time for things I enjoy doing? Do I make sacrifices to ensure that I have fun with the people and things I love?" Per the supernatural component, we should ask, "am I deliberately willing thoughts of ingratitude, anger, or judgement?" All we can do is try to get out of God's way, and then let Him grow our joy in accordance with His will and timing.

Understanding joy as a gift received can help us be compassionate towards those who are not joyful. We never know what they may be going through. It can also prevent us from undue pride when we are feeling great about life and the present circumstances. Lastly, it can prevent a cheesy, "life is a bowl of cherries" attitude, or simplistic ideas that holiness always translates into positive emotions. Job was not positive when all was taken from him, He was faithful. God does not ask us to feel joyful all the time, He just asks us to be faithful.

In what sense, then, did Paul write "rejoice always?" He did not mean to feel happy emotions all the time, otherwise we'd have to toss out the verses where he gets honest about the emotional pain and trials of Christian discipleship. Instead, Paul surely meant to cultivate the attitude and emotions that sustained Job in His faithfulness. So long as we are determined in our faith, there will be present a strength, joy, and peace, that only a believer in Christ can experience. It may commingle with pain, but it will persist nonetheless.

Theological ~ The Cross and Natural Law

In our finiteness, we struggle to "put it all together," emphasizing some gospel facets over others.

The cross is often the first thing to go (e.g. prosperity theology). However, pharisaic thinking also rejects the cross in its own way. In its perfunctory presentation of theology, it forgets that Jesus in His humanity asked that the bitter cup be taken from Him, and fell in weakness beneath His cross three times. Like Jesus, religion must bleed and be human.

Another temptation is to see only the supernatural realm. Nature is also revelation, grace builds on nature, and God has chosen to work sacramentally--through and with--nature. We are destined for resurrected bodies. Natural virtues, while not saving, are part of the "total package" of holiness that God intends for us.

The cross and the natural law, both invaluable.

Meditation ~ On Writing Lyrics

I've been writing songs for years, and by far the most challenging aspect of the process is writing lyrics. I've yet to find an artist who writes lyrics that I would feel great singing. In singing lessons that's always been a sticking point, "these just aren't my words!" Yet, finding my own words has been pretty tough. Why?

It occurred to me that, for better or worse, my goals are deeply literary, and developing a literary mindset takes time and maturity. That's because great literature explores the deep meaning behind the seemingly mundane encounters, daily highs and lows, and happenings of life.

Life is happening and God speaks to us through the people we meet, the things we desire, the set backs that occur, and the never-ending onslaught of everyday duties. From time to time, something "important" happens, but much of life just kind of goes by. Yet, it is all incredibly important, if we have the eyes to see it. After all, our lives and scripture attest to one and the same thing: God acting, and God speaking. God is always speaking. Are we listening?

To write songs is to see life in technicolor instead of black and white. It's to take a step back and give a life experience dignity and purpose by pondering it and trying to write about it. Why did God permit me to experience this thing? What can I learn about myself and God after having passed through it?

So, why not just write an essay about the experience? Essays are great. For me though, to write a song is to give a life event double honor. I not only intellectually explore the purpose of something I went through, but by setting it to a compelling tune and beat, I "set it off" like a gem stone in the perfect setting. Sound helps to amplify the emotions embedded in the experience, emotions I may have missed. Maybe when I was actually living through it, I didn't take the time to process my emotions and be fully present. Maybe I let the experience slip past me and I took it for granted. In writing a song, I get to "relive" the experience and capture all those emotions that slipped past.

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. When I stop writing songs, I fear subconsciously that my life will not be fully lived. I live it fully when I write about it.

Meditation ~ Created for Love

Do you long to devote your life wholeheartedly to one thing or being? Most of us long to "find our passion" and "meet that special someone."

A wise person once observed that we desire not so much to be loved, as to love. We long to "get outside of ourselves," to lay down our lives totally for the other.

What does it say about human beings that we are so sure such a "one" exists for us personally? Indeed, we are so sure that we will torture ourselves until we find such a thing, rather than give up on the pursuit. 

Apart from the idea of "the one," life is perceived as not being worth living.

"Oh Lord, our hearts are restless until they rest in you." St. Augustine

Meditation ~ The Catechesis of Nature

In nature, the following ideas are made real....

1) Existence, there is something rather than nothing
2) Organic growth, aka life: as MLK Jr. put it, a green tree is more glorious than one of gold or silver
3) Laws; nature is orderly, gravity is always in effect
4) Beauty; behold an old-growth forest...
5) Mystery; from whence does the spark of life come?
6) Power; when nature strikes, she always wins
7) Humility; in the presence of nature, we are small

If we broaden our scope to include observations of human nature, we also see...

8) The gift of sexuality, which literally chemically bonds a man and woman to each other, and to their children. The family unit is seen across cultures.
9) The great thirst for love in all of its forms, from thrills and desires satisfied, to meaningful sacrifice and charitable activities
10) The reality of religious worship across cultures
11) The discussion of "values" and "truth" across cultures, which differ somewhat, but overlap in many ways
12) The phenomenon of conscience and morality, and of certain actions causing suffering and chaos, collectively and individually

In spite of cruelty, death and decay, the seasons turn, new babies continue to be born, and human beings are collectively unwilling to give up on life.

To experience life is to "take in" all of this data. What does it say?

From what I can see, I see proof of nothing less than the God of the Bible, who reveals Himself through nature, created human beings for love, refines us by suffering, and puts the hope of redemption in every human heart.

Meditation ~ On Religiosity

Who gives God greater glory?

The one who thinks about Him all the time and is always trying to do the "right" thing?

Or

The one who thinks about God less and just lives?

Is the first case a (perhaps hidden) trust in the flesh? Is the second case willful neglect, or a wise trust in God's mercy?

Only God knows.....

Meditation ~ On Security

What must be the foundation of my thinking, acting, being? What will give me the confidence to go forth boldly in life?

Placing ultimate trust in ourselves can only cause an infinite regression: Are you sure you really know enough? Was it really the right thing to do? Are you truly up the task?

Was I for sure receptive to all the graces God sent? Even that is an infinite regression.

I will only have peace of mind when I identify myself as a sinner and deeply trust in God's undeserved mercy towards them.

Our motto must be, in union with St. Faustina, "Jesus I Trust in You!"

Meditation ~ What is the Worst Possible Outcome?

Losing the love of your life? Loneliness? Career dreams squashed? Bad diagnosis? Poverty?

No....

It's counting the cost, growing bitter, and not giving a darn. Whatever you do, it will never "pay off." No relationship, no career path, no pursuit will ever really "give back" to match what you put into it. You have to learn to genuinely care. That is the greatest challenge of life, to learn how to love.

Let the rest go, even though it hurts so much when and if you lose it. We are here to choose love, to share love, and to grow in love. That is the meaning of life.

Meditation ~ Christ as Bridegroom

God as eternal spouse? Heaven as Wedding Feast? Christ as Bridegroom?

The truth revealed last to the heart…..

First, God is Father. Through simple “yes” and “no” commandments, God helps us to begin to die to sin. Yet, the human heart, at root, is an organ of desire. No amount of “being good," i.e. self-denial and suffering, will satisfy it.

Until we see God as the one who not only teaches and cares for us, but satisfies our deepest desires, we will place those desires on something else. We will be miserable, for everything else is flawed, finite, and in decay.

The heart wants what it wants...

May that be God!

Poem ~ Good Pretended

From youthful days to middle years
The passing time brings valleys deeper still
The victories of youth were naught
When tested by the contingencies of open waters.

Humiliated by the time lost
Clarity of mind and joy of heart
Begin to grow as seeds from darkened thoughts
When once in vanity they were presumed.

At peace in my abasement unexpected
Preferred to hellish strength and good pretended.