Theological ~ Giving myself away (but not all the way)

If I had to differentiate between a Trinitarian understanding of ultimate reality and any other, I would say this: that my individuality is a gift meant to be given away in mutual, loving relationships.

"I am a gift meant to be given away."

On the one hand, a Trinitarian worldview upholds the good of individuality. I am indeed a person. I have to be a person to live relationally. Relationships emerge when individuals come together.

Yet, my individuality is not an end in itself. It is a means whereby I can commune with God and others. It serves the greater purpose of "coming together."

God gives us the opportunity to experience both "modes" of being: the being an individual part, and the giving myself away part. For many of us, the "giving" part too often causes anxiety, when it should be a source of joy.

In my own case, I was given a great education, generally speaking and musically. I had a season in my life that was all about investing in my own skills. This was the part of life where things "made sense." Generally, human beings have no trouble understanding self-investment.

Then, through His Providence, God called me to the field of education. Based on the opportunities that came my way, He seemed to desire that I use my skills for the uplift of others. This of course meant less time for my own self-development and even, in a sense, a ceiling on my own achievements. The time/energy invested in students was time/energy I couldn't invest in my own professional advancement. I had entered a phase in life focused on "giving myself away."

For a long time, this confused and distressed me. I didn't mind serving others per se, I just wasn't sure that teaching was the true purpose of my gifts. I've come to realize with time that my distress was caused by not understanding the value in making a gift of myself to others. I've also found that God has since opened up new opportunity for me to reinvest in my creative projects. My time as an educator was a season in life that God permitted so that I could ponder the importance of service.

The "shift in gears" (from self to other), is something we all go through in our way. The following are the two primary ways this can be experienced:

1) The classic "mid life crisis." The years have come and gone, and perhaps we didn't quite accomplish what we dreamed of professionally or personally. Instead, we find ourselves in the middle of a myriad of obligations to, perhaps, a spouse, children, and our employment as it is. Unless we are close to God, we can resent these obligations. We imagine that they are "tying us down." We have yet to learn that the point of "growing up" is to get skills such that we can sustain society and our families. We were never meant to exist just for ourselves.

2) Perhaps we have achieved the success we dreamed of during our phase of self-investment, but the demands of it are starting to weigh us down. Fame, money, prestige, and power come with great responsibility. We find that many people depend upon our expertise and leadership. In order to maintain our skills, we work tirelessly. If we are not close to God, we can resent the work and the mantle we carry. We have yet to learn that our position is something given to us to bless the lives of others; it was never about us in the first place.

Thus, whether we accomplished the goals formed during the phase of self-investment or not, we face weariness and resentment if we do not come to terms with the second mode of being, "giving ourselves away."

For most of us, "giving ourselves away" means going to work every day, paying bills, maintaining our homes, and caring for our families. As the author of the Book of Ecclesiastes laments, whatever treasures we amass are passed on to those who did not work for them. In a similar way, our gifts and skills are so often invested in those who may or may not avail themselves of the investment. "All of my learning, just for others" echoes, "all of my wealth, just for others."

At times, it can feel like a pointless oblation: a seemingly endless "pouring out" of oneself. In a fallen world, our gift of self can often feel unappreciated. We don't know whether or if our investment in others will bear fruit. In this sense, we get to experience God's frustration as He pours out endless graces upon us that so often go unreceived. Like Him, we must learn to love sinners and invest in them hoping, just hoping, that they receive our gifts.

We will be unable to articulate an "end" for ourselves apart from God. If we substitute a natural good for God, we will only reap futility, as the Book of Ecclesiastes confirms. Our wealth shifts with fortune and/or is left to our descendants. Fame inevitably yields to the younger generation. Our knowledge will be surpassed by generations to come. Our health and looks will fade.

Obviously, we can't focus on ourselves or our things as a final end; yet, focusing on others as a final end will fail us, too. Human beings inevitably disappoint us. Our pessimism can be wise in the spirit of Ecclesiastes so long as it is understood within the divine framework of only God being God. No spouse, child, friend, or colleague will be perfect. We will find that, while human beings can love us, they are mysteriously propelled onwards towards something beyond us (God). In other words, they can exist with us, but not for us.

If we are not an end and others are not an end, what is the point? We might say that God is our end and this is true; yet, it is God's will that a perfected relationship with Him also entails our individuality, relationships with others, and relationship with all of creation. Perhaps we come closer to capturing the big picture when we say that the point is Heaven, which is: relationships perfected. We are valuable and contribute something to Heaven that only we can; at the same time, we are powerless to make Heaven complete. The whole Body of Christ, and the New Heavens and New Earth, are needed for that.

God has summoned us to a multi-faceted existence that reflects the richness of His own Trinitarian life. It is an existence that involves the development of our own individuality, our relationship with God, others, and creation, the last of which we will also inherit in the age to come.

In assessing the state of our lives, we should therefore ask, "what is the state of my relationships?" Am I receptive of creation, God, and others? Do I "let them in?" Do I care for them? At the same time, do I bring myself? Do I share myself with others? In other words, do I have reason to hope that my relationships are being steadily perfected, and that Heaven, the Kingdom of God, is being realized in my life?

Theological ~ Catholic Receptivity

In revering the Virgin Mary, we speak of her perfect receptivity of divine grace.

The longer I live, the more I understand receptivity to be the foundation of all growth in the spiritual life.

I now understand from experience that unless I receive the grace of God and He thereby capacitates my heart to love, it is impossible for me to do so. I can summon my will power and intelligence to do good things, but I won't be able to do them purely and simply, from the heart, unless God gives me the grace to. In a mysterious way, the good I do will only feed my pride, until and unless God frees my heart to sincerely care about and commune with Himself and others.

Until God frees up the heart to love, life feels inexplicably isolated and disconnected. Everything I do redounds to myself. The good I do makes me more pleased with myself. The good I do makes me feel superior to others, or "further along" in the quest of life. The good I do makes me more expectant of greater goods that I may do; I fall ever more in love with myself and my expectations for my future hold me captive. I am unable, in a sustained way, to take interest in other people and their gifts. Instead, I find myself competing with them. I may indeed help others--it makes me feel good about myself to do so--but the task will be irritating and burdensome.

Although I may be able to achieve worthwhile things by sheer will power, in reality I am dying a slow death. Cut off from true communion with God and neighbor, my soul becomes warped and sickly. On the outside, I may be impressive, but on the inside I am burdened and wasting away.

From experience, I have learned that only the grace of God can cure the disease of pride. I can work, and try, and discipline myself, force a smile, force myself to be helpful, try to be humble, etc. to no avail. Until the grace of God heals me of my pride, pride will always lead out and consume everything I do for its own ends. In the absence of grace, pride can only grow through either deliberate sin or "good works" done by my own natural efforts. As a result, I am trapped in a cycle of ever increasing, inescapable pride. Only grace and patient suffering can starve out the monster.

The tragic thing is that pride deprives us of real joy by destroying our relationships with God and neighbor. These relationships are the source of our spiritual life and joy. The nature of pride is to isolate us, "incurvates in se," (turned in on oneself). Turned in on ourselves, the very purpose of our existence, to love and be loved, is thwarted. It would be happier to not exist at all.

Catholicism allows us to experience the depths of receptivity. It teaches that God Himself lived among us, taught us the truth about Himself, and safeguarded those truths for all successive generations in holy Mother Church. We can truly be children, with God providing us with everything we need for salvation, every step of the way. We do not have to search the scriptures and create our our own church. We do not have to guess at communion with a distant power manifest by nature. Our God is personal, draws us unto Himself, and into a Church that cares for us from Baptism to Last Rights. Our salvation is given totally to us; we have only to receive it.

Meditation ~ The depth of Holy Desires

Both natural and supernatural desires include physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual attraction, etc. Desire is and always will be, attraction. When we love something in union with God though (supernatural), there is:

1) a bottomlessness to our love. There is nothing I will not sacrifice for you/it.

2) A no-strings-attached quality. Healthy relationships are mutual and we will feel pain when our love is not reciprocated, but in a fundamental way we are not keeping score or demanding a return on our investment. We are patient with the failings and limitations of who/what we love.

3) Our patience with the imperfections of the beloved are sustained by our contentment in God. In our relationship with God, our deepest needs for love our mysteriously met. I say mysteriously, because God intends for us to love the people in our lives intensely. There is a sense in which our lives are incomplete without others; we are not meant to live in God, and apart from others. Yet, it can truly be said that in God our deepest desires are fulfilled. From this abundance, we can love others patiently without making demands.

Meditation ~ The Ceiling I Can Not Shatter (On My Own)

I started praying a novena prayer to Pope St. Pius X, it included a line to receive communion "as often as I can."

I didn't think much of it at the time, but have noticed myself getting up in time for morning mass and feeling a desire to go.

Interestingly, what's changed isn't so much my going to daily mass. I've tried that before. In the past, I was able to summon my will power and get there. But I struggled with feeling like an "extra credit" Catholic. I thought the extra masses might be reinforcing spiritual pride, so I didn't go.

The beautiful thing about now, is that I'm able to go without thinking so much of myself. I can go and simply appreciate the beauty of the experience and what the Lord is doing for me.

Interestingly, no amount of me trying to go to daily mass could give me the grace of fruitful daily mass. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I experienced a sense of "ceiling" in what my own "good works" could do. People who are especially disciplined in the spiritual life can easily mistake grace for their own efforts. 

Sure, by own discipline I could keep showing up and maybe that would be better than not coming at all. But the increase in spiritual pride was really troublesome.

I was reminded that we depend upon the grace of God to do the right thing for the right reasons. On a deeper level, this is to say that we depend upon the grace of God to do good at all, for of what value is it to do good if we do it for a self-serving reason?

From this perspective, we can see how trapped we are if the grace of God does not purify our hearts. Apart from His help, we can only serve ourselves.

Meditation ~ The Beauty of Waiting (Keep Waiting!)

One of the most upsetting things about discernment is when we feel strongly pulled towards something in our hearts, and yet it seems to not work out, time and again.

What should we do?

After many years of riding the cycle of consolations and desolations, I have come to believe most firmly that consolations are exactly what we think they are: encouragement from God to move in a particular direction. Consolations are holy and precious gifts. As St. Ignatius of Loyola reminds us, in times of desolation we need to hold firm to the consolations that first moved our hearts.

What if we discerned wrongly, though? What if things didn't work out and we should change course? Is there ever a good reason to keep hanging in there?

Yes!

From my experience, there are two big ramifications that shape the fulfillment of our desires:

1) God's timing (perfect, and often much slower than we would like)

2) God's way of fulfilling the desire (may be different than how we expect him to)

As long as a certain path grants us consolations, we should keep going in that direction no matter how long it takes, or what obstacles stand in our way. God doesn't fool us. He values our time and resources. He wouldn't give us consolations in an area of life without a purpose for doing so.

On our end, our job is to stay the course and not question our consolations when the going gets tough.  Just because God takes a very long time fulfilling our desires, doesn't invalidate them. There is ample evidence in scripture of God granting desires after exceedingly long periods of waiting. The waiting allows for the purification of our souls, as well as the optimal alignment of life events. We must remember that God works through space, time, and matter; He doesn't skip them. We may instantly apprehend something spiritually, yet it will take time for the matter involved to catch up.

Further, God may have a surprising way of fulfilling our desire. When we experience a consolation, we may think it points to a very particular destination. God takes us where we are and guides us baby step by baby step; it makes sense that we won't fully comprehend the destination at the beginning of the journey. We have to allow Him to surprise us. We must also trust that He will fine tune our consolations along the way so as to navigate us perfectly to our right end.

Meditation ~ The Dance of the Heart and Head

Heart verses head; which should lead out?

Instead of pitting them against each other, perhaps we should state the following:

Holy thoughts never contradict holy desires; holy desires never contradict holy thoughts.

In other words, as we grow in maturity of head and heart, we should find that they support each other, not conflict.

Rather, conflict is a sign that one or the other is sinful or immature in some way.

It is true that the heart and head have different expertise. There is a sense in which the heart is better at apprehending what is unique, creative, personal, and transcendent. It allows us to sense something before we can articulate it. In that sense, the heart will provide guidance lost on the head.

If our reasoning is well formed, however, it will respect this. Mature reasoning knows its own limitations. It knows that some things are mysterious and need to be respected as such. It doesn't dominate and control beyond its proper sphere.

Reasoning is better at attuning us to objective absolutes: those things that universally apply in all circumstances. Reasoning respects the laws of gravity and the 10 Commandments. It knows to not contradict church teaching. It respects whatever is fixed and unalterable and helps us to align ourselves with that.

We are each individuals living out a personal, unique destiny within a world governed by moral and physical absolutes. Hence, we need both a heart and a head; the first to guide us personally, the second to help us navigate the cosmos.

As our heart grows in holiness it only wants what is the good.

As our reasoning grows in holiness, it only wants what is good.

The good is where both head and heart meet, each grasping some facets of the truth more deeply than the other.

A holy heart: content with reason's discipline.

A holy head: flexible enough to nurture the heart's aspirations.

Theological ~ Discovering My New Life in the New Covenant

I've felt God inspiring me lately to walk away from projects and plans. It's not about becoming who I think I should be. It's about becoming who God wants me to be and following His lead. More importantly, it's about participating. Only when I allow myself to be guided will I find the wedding party that is the Kingdom of Heaven.

God has a plan for us, but we can't "think" our way to it by ourselves. There is no way to understand the mind and heart of God unless one has the mind and heart of God: Christians, treasure your baptism! In the sacraments of the faith, we know that God pours His very life into us. The only way to be holy is to receive God's gift of Himself and live in a way that is receptive, every moment of our lives.

God knew that the fulness of His life could never be communicated through a written law, hence the expiration of the Law of Moses and the Old Covenant. The Old Covenant--and by extension any kind of "self reliance"-- is designed to prepare our hearts to desire and receive God's grace, because we know the futility of our own efforts. In the sacraments of the New Covenant, the natural is elevated to the supernatural so that it can commune with the supernatural. Through the Holy Spirit, we can know the mind and heart of God and participate in God's Triune life, in accordance with His will.

It is absolutely necessary that we be receptive of God's grace because God "puts it all together" in a way that defies our understanding. For example, Jesus is a God of seeming contradictions: fully human and fully God, physical and spiritual, a pauper and a King, all powerful yet crucified, the epitome of self-denial yet accused of gluttony, drunkenness, and keeping bad company. Jesus summons us to continue his revolutionary life in which all good things find their unity; it is a kind of holiness that is fresh, exciting, seemingly contradictory, and totally holy and in sync with the Father. There is simply no way we can "get it" unless Jesus coaches us, living and walking with us, side by side. 

We can not think and try our way there. We need to receive the life of Jesus. In the same way that you don't learn how to dress or talk from reading a book, rather by hanging out with the cool kids, we need to "hang out" with Jesus. Yet, Jesus has promised to do so much more than "hang out" with us. He has promised to indwell us. He has given us His very body and blood; through Communion, His blood flows through our veins. Our relationship with Him is a nuptial one; more intimate than intimacy between husband and wife. It's okay if that sounds like "too much," "strange," or to admit that we don't fully understand how it all works. For now, we walk by faith not by sight. A God who would die on the cross for His creation is "too much,"; how fortunate for us!

When we learn how to recognize and live in the presence of God, everything changes. Destructive fears, anxieties, insecurities, guilt, and all pathologies melts away; only what is constructive is left. We hear a voice that prompts us to turn right or left. When we don't hear anything, we lean into that unknown and trust.

God is so much more than an co-pilate though. God's primary gift to us is His own life. This means that, in time, we can share in God's own blessed existence. We will see what is good and beautiful in everyone, including ourselves. We will be patient and merciful towards what is not good and beautiful, as God is. We will not resent the work of life. All of creation will be sacred for us. We will find ourselves participating fully in the moments that present themselves. Deep down, our heart longs to find and join the party; in God, we find, and join it!

Meditation ~ My Experience of Femininity

Church teaching reminds us that men and women are gifted differently. I've long resisted things that are distinctly feminine about myself. Instead of resisting, I'd like to embrace them!

God makes everyone unique, and there is room for a range of possibilities when it comes to how gender is expressed. Given our shared feminine charism, though, I think some women may be able to relate:

1) I'm more interested in quality of life, then in "productivity"

2) Even as a more introverted person, I need a balanced day with a lot of different activities and interaction with people

3) I enjoy beautifying my life and environment; this takes time, and is not always "practical"

4) I'm not easily motivated by success or profit; instead, I'm motivated by creating and experiencing a beautiful lifestyle

5) I enjoy learning things, but not at the expense of my relationships and balance in my day; too many hours on any one thing makes me feel disconnected

6) I enjoy learning not so much for the purposes of expertise at any one thing, but rather for growing in wisdom

7) I'm more interested in "the big picture" than in the parts

For me, the quality of my "being" is very important. I love contemplation in all of its forms. How do I feel right now?

I think it was Archbishop Fulton Sheen who said, "A man is great because of what he does; a woman is great for who she is."

His statement oversimplifies in some ways, but I think he's right in pointing out that men and women are potentially motivated by different things. For myself as a woman, the quality of my being, my manners, how I flow through life and how I help others flow through life is of the utmost importance. What we are in this moment, less of a linear momentum and push. The here and now, the moment, the connection. In a particular way, I enjoy the liturgy of life.

Meditation ~ The "Catholic Dream"? A Third Way?

The Great Gatsby sums up the "American dream" at it's worst: endless pining for a destination you can never obtain.

The "bright lights, big city" way of living never goes out of style. You start out somewhere, and have places to go. Did you get there?

Protestant Christianity has provided some balance. It especially emphasizes family values and hard work. As a result, there can also be the romanticization of the simple life of "good people," home, and the community left behind.

What if both paths are missing something? "Bright lights" gets us overly focused on temporal results, while staying home lacks the adventure and romance we crave.

Catholicism can provide a third way. It is right that we seek out thrills, challenges, beauty, and mystery. In the sacraments, and in our journey towards them, we experience all these. Prayer and worship are not mere Sunday morning duties, they are portals into a higher realm. Religion isn't just about being "good" (as if we are). It's about encountering God as the love of our life, and having our desires fulfilled; this is supported through the sensuality of our liturgy and art. Through the Church's sacraments, art, the mystical writings of the saints, and our robust intellectual tradition, our minds and hearts have much to feast upon. To be Catholic is to live an extraordinary life, if we are receptive to everything the Church has to offer us.

Meditation ~ On Being a Good Wedding Guest

I just read Matthew 6:22-23, "The lamp of the eye is the body...."

In that scripture, disciples are encouraged to make sure that the eyes of their heart rightly perceive what is good and valuable in light of the Kingdom of Heaven. The eyes of their heart must stay exclusively focused on obtaining and growing the Kingdom of Heaven.

How do we do that? I believe the answer to that question is more challenging than it might appear at first glance.

In our zeal to do the Lord's will, we might think that building the Kingdom exclusively prioritizes traditionally religious activities. While those things certainly are part of building the Kingdom, I believe that God sometimes wants to broaden our horizons. He may have a plan for how our hobbies, friendships, dreams and desires can build up the Kingdom, too.

In my own case, I've wondered from time to time if God is calling me to the consecrated life. For many, this is our idea of "giving God the most." I love prayer and our Catholic faith so much, and I certainly have the will power to commit to the evangelical counsels if God asked me to. However, whenever I ponder this way of life, I experience desolations. I've come to realize that the people I've been called to love are outside the structure of religious of life. For me to choose religious life is, mysteriously, to choose personal (spiritual) aggrandizement over love. When I focus on loving others and the life path that makes me feel most deeply connected in service, it is not the consecrated life.

My own case is a great example of how our "idea" of what it means to prioritize the Kingdom of God can sometimes get in the way, however well intentioned. Instead, when we don't try too hard, and we remain open to our hobbies, friendships, and the things we are genuinely and naturally drawn to, we might find that God has a plan for those things. If we were to force ourselves into a mold of any kind, however well intentioned, we might miss out on our unique purpose and mission.

An overly restrictive interpretation of religion draws too rigid of a distinction between things that are holy and things that are not. Traditional church activities are indeed holy, but God also has a purpose for everything created under the sun (as St. Ignatius of Loyola taught: God in all things!) At its worse, religious culture can become ossified. Our "idea" of what a good Catholic looks like can be too restrictive. The answer is not about fitting yourself into an exterior mold.

On the other hand, the world would tell you to walk away from religion altogether. It would tell you that God's laws and "no" are never helpful. This also goes too far. The teachings of the church reveal the truth about ourselves to us. Sometimes, we do need to conform ourselves to something objectively true outside of us. As born sinners, we know that some of our instincts and desires are not good for us.

In typical Catholic fashion, the answer appears to be "both," not "either/or." There is a time and place for changing ourselves, not simply doing what we want, and allowing God to discipline us. There is a time and place for traditional religious activities and instruction. However, with wisdom, we can come to know the areas of our lives where God would like to uniquely shape us through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the other good things He has placed in our lives.

In my own case, I have sometimes turned the quest for the Kingdom of Heaven into a prideful attempt at getting the biggest heavenly mansion. I can feel it in my heart that I'm not living from a place of love of God and neighbor, but of wanting to be "right" and "better" and "ahead" in the spiritual journey of life.

In my own case, I sometimes need to back off from thinking about Heavenly rewards and refocus instead on  participating in what God is up to. The Kingdom of Heaven has been compared to a wedding feast. What are the qualities of a good wedding guest?

A wedding guest follows instructions: they get to the church on time, so to speak. They show generosity to the bride and groom by giving gifts of time and money. They are festive and joyful in their demeanor. They get on the dance floor.

In our lives, do we participate fully in what God is doing? Yes, there are instructions to be followed. But when we open our hearts to God, we radiate joy. We become people that others would like to invite to the party.

A good wedding guest helps the bride and groom and everyone else at the party have a great time. They are not the center of the event. They let the bride shine and be the one wearing white. They know how to bring themselves to the party and not be a wallflower; they also know how to bring out the best in the group.

In our quest for holiness, in a similar, way, it's not about being the greatest saint in the sense of out performing others. It's about sharing in the journey of life with others in the way we have been called to. God is always up to something interesting. Are we living in a way that is connected and engaged? Are we thankful for our day to day lives? Do we enjoy the day the Lord has made for us?

Maybe our role in the Kingdom of Heaven is right where we are; maybe it has landed right in our laps. God is just waiting for us to enjoy and appreciate the gift of life we have been given and admire how He is putting all the pieces together for us.

Poem ~ Reborn

Some stays, some must go.
Old scars flare up, but it's time to heal.
You are now completely different,
and in some ways the same.
Your broken self, your best self.
Delivered from naive ideas,
Your love is now mature.
You connect to give, not to receive.
Your broken self, your best self,
Your reborn self in the Lord.

Meditation ~ The Cycle

The following describes a cycle that perhaps others have also experienced:

1) At first, life seems (more or less) good and predictable. You love things because you think they are good. You have hopes and make plans.

2) Trials shake this up. They challenge you to search for God and incentivize conversion. They challenge you to love God above all things and order your lesser loves to your greatest love for God.

3) Now, with a new relationship with God, you must return to creation and reconnect with it on new terms. You must learn to love the imperfect, have patience with the process, and stay engaged even when part of you is heartbroken and longs for Heaven. You must make peace with the scars that God permitted for your repentance. You have to allow God to rebuild you. You must learn to approach creation with a Godly, wise love.

Theological ~ When Suffering is Not Good

There is no question that God gives trials for long term purification and happiness. In the long run, even when our suffering is severe, the loss is always worth the growth in our relationship with the Lord.

However, I've been meditating on the ways that trials challenge short term human development. While we trust the Lord with the crosses that find us, meditating on the damage done can help us understand why prosperity is also a good thing, and why God may spare us/others from specific trials depending on what He wants us to accomplish.

I think the key is the sometimes contested wisdom, "grace builds on nature." I believe this saying is true in the sense that you wouldn't try to explain deep theology to a one-year-old. There is a sense in which our gray matter supports and enables us to think about God. There is also the sense in which we progress from concrete things to abstract things. The sacraments exist in part for this purpose: they are concrete signs of spiritual realities.

What about when nature gets thrown off, though? A child raised without a father will have a harder time thinking about the fatherhood of God. The sacrament of marriage exists for most people so that they can understand the intimacy of love that characterizes the Trinity; people who go through severe romantic heartache and relationships breakups will necessarily experience a rupture to their belief in the ultimate reality of love. Although they may not articulate it, many people go through feelings that "love is not real," and deep down this means "God is not loving."

In considering the good of marriage, there is definitely a sense in which grace builds on nature: in youth, people fall in love naturally and easily. Nature supports the spiritual good of marriage. Tragically, many people get their hearts broken in their youth, instead. Dating later in life, the same momentum is not there. It's harder to fall in love a second, third, or fourth time, when "springtime" has passed.

It's hard to accomplish things when the natural desire is lacking; trials are great at disrupting the natural desire/momentum that would ideally support and incentivize any action. While God can heal anyone's nature, sometimes He mysteriously allows us to feel the pain for a time (even very long time).

While I don't have answers on how to move forward when circumstances are what they are, thinking along these lines helps me to understand why God is selective and providential in our trials. Depending on our life purpose, not every trial is a good one. At a certain point we have to trust that the trials God gives will not incapacitate us in a way that would derail His purpose for us.

Another way of saying this, is that there is a mysterious tension between spiritual and temporal growth. Sadly, spiritual growth must sometimes (usually?) come at the cost of temporal growth, for we must be humbled to draw close to the Lord. Yet, since grace builds on nature, there is a sense in which temporal suffering can come at a spiritual cost. The economy of all of this is so mysterious and delicate, that only God knows what will be best for each person.