On My Delayed Vocation

 2021 was a monumental year for me....

I got engaged, married, pregnant, and gave birth to my beautiful daughter. It was the year when everything that seemed "missing" in my life for several years happened. I still pinch myself, wondering if the life I'm now living is real. I can only thank God and attribute so many miracles at once to His divine intervention.

When I was single, I did my best to stay busy and not focus on the family I didn't have. I reminded myself that life is what you make of it, and that ultimate contentment comes from our relationship with God. I tried to fill my life with enriching hobbies and outings. I reminded myself that husbands are not perfect and children can bring heartache as well as joy.

And yet, there was a restlessness.

It was not deliberately willed. I fought "woe is me" thinking with all of my will power. Yet, there were times when I wondered...

"How happy can I be? should I be?"

It seemed like I was doing everything I could, from a spiritual and temporal perspective, to thrive. What was I missing?

I resisted answering that question with, "a husband," or "children." And yet, what else could it be?

What I learned, is that other people matter. Your vocation matters. God has a plan for you, and you're meant to live it. He won't bring you peace and joy until you do. And, sometimes you have to wait for it to come about. Sometimes, the answer really is, "just wait." It isn't always time to thrive. Sometimes the victory is not giving up, and continuing to hope through the pain.

So often, when people pine away for something, it doesn't quite deliver when they get it. They realize that the discontent they experienced had more to do with their attitude, and less to do with whatever they thought was missing.

I am here to witness that, if we are properly disposed and our desires are godly, some things really do deliver. Some things are worth suffering and praying and waiting a long time for. There are different seasons of life. Seasons of sowing, waiting, and reaping. Meanwhile, the waiting prepares us to rejoice over the gift when we receive it. Nothing this side of heaven is perfect, including husbands and children. But when we suffer for something, we know its true worth apart from its flaws. Our commitment to the gift, come what may, will be unshakeable.

Looking back on it, there were three things I did while waiting that served me well. And when it comes to distinguishing between holy and unholy discontentment, the following could be helpful markers.

First, by the grace of God, I cultivated an attitude of prayer. My prayer life included rote and scheduled prayers, (e.g. morning and evening prayers, the rosary, devotions to saints, adoration time). It also included regular scripture and catechism study. I tried to think about God throughout the day and abide in His peace. I was earnest in lifting up my sorrows and questions to the Heavens. I was also diligent in studying everything I could about my faith and seeing if I could bring my life, as it was, into better alignment with God's will. My quest for a family deepened my prayer life. It brought me closer to, and not further away from, God.

Second, I practiced radical openness. What if a marriage and family was not what God had planned? I pondered different vocations, thinking about their inherent goodness and I lifted them up to God in prayer. What if God had a vocation to religious life for me? Or what if He planned on me building the Kingdom as a single and professional woman? I tried to stay open. I got to the point where, in some ways, I didn't care about any particular outcome. I just wanted to feel a deep sense of contentment, purpose, and well being, whatever that meant. I told God this. There is a sense in which I surrendered the hope for marriage and children, and then saw if the desire for it "came back" to me even after letting it go. After doing this enough times, and having the desire return repeatedly, my commitment to marriage grew stronger. I also learned to value a vocation for its own sake. I learned that joy is doing the work God calls you to do, whatever that is. I knew that my future marriage would bring me happiness not because marriage always makes one happy, but because it is my vocation. It is the work to which I have been called. This gave my future marriage greater dignity. I am marrying to serve and do the work unto which I have been called.

Last, I always experienced the Biblical "fruits of the spirit," when I placed my hopes marriage and children. In short, when the Spirit is present, burdens are lifted. There is a deep sense of well being and abundance. We feel a joy that is also accompanied by contentment and peace. We experience a state of being that is definitive, where nothing is found wanting. In contrast, sin always makes us feel restless, anxious, and weighed down.

In closing, we know from Proverbs that the human heart is deceitful. But, we also know that, when it comes to intimate communion with God, it's all we've got. The catechism beautifully reminds us that the heart, as we call the core of our being, is the place of encounter with the divine. Like all things in this world, it is imperfect, but made for redemption. The desires that flow from it are sometimes bad, but they are also sometimes good, for God's grace is active in the desires of our hearts, stirring up some desires that are meant to be listened to. Our hearts are redeemed through prayerful listening. As we lift up our desires to God in prayer, we will find that some are tamed and corrected. Yet, others burn ever more brightly. In time, our redeemed hearts, enlivened by God's grace, can guide us rightly to everything God wants for us, great and small. Sometimes, our test is to be like Peter walking on water. We must learn to place ever more trust in the promises and encouragement God whispers in our hearts, no matter how impossible and frustrating our circumstances may be. As we cling to the voice of the Shepherd, speaking to us through our holy desires, we will be guided over the stormy waters to the rest and blessings God has prepared for us.