I've gone through a lot of challenging things in my personal life for the past few decades. In light of my conversion to Catholicism, I realize that God was permitting me to be brought low enough to listen and receive the gospel. The season of suffering extended even past my baptism, as God wanted me to internalize the wisdom of the cross.
It's been five years post-baptism, and now I sense that God wants me to do something new. I've been opening up my scriptures to verses about redemption and the joyful post-exilic "gathering" of Israel. I've felt God wanting to heal old wounds, grow new skills, and replace an attitude of "just getting by" with thriving. I realize that He wants this not only for my happiness, but because my joy in living gives Him glory.
In a season of suffering, I showed my faith by just hanging in there while persevering in prayer. I realize now that I didn't have to be "happy" per se, because God didn't want me to settle into that place. He just wanted me to keep showing up, do right by others to the best of my ability, and use the trial as an opportunity to meditate on the cross. I needed to make an offering of my life. The suffering had to go on for long enough to make my sacrifice meaningful.
In contrast, during a season of redemption, I have to show faith by learning to actively cultivate my Godly desires. Gone is the comfortable, dark womb of suffering where I wait, and wait. Now, I have to listen and act because God is providing a way out of the pit. Do I climb up the rope, grace upon grace? Climbing towards the light requires me to let go of any residual bitterness; "woe is me" and optimism will not coexist. I have to open my heart and be willing to try again and "receive" others. The walls and scars that were erected as coping mechanisms need to come down. I have to be willing to take risks as God calls me to try something new; or try something old again, in a new way. The familiar and comfortable, however unsatisfying, must give way to the fresh and unknown.
Suffering teaches us invaluable lessons, but it doesn't teach us every spiritual lesson. It can become its own comfortable place, past the point the God wills it for us. Sometimes, we give God the greatest glory by patiently suffering and waiting for Him to change our circumstances. On the other hand, sometimes we give God greater glory by leaving behind old grooves and allowing him to rebuild our lives according to our heart's desire. In a mysterious way, both phases can be equally challenging.
A Biblical truth, perhaps THE Biblical truth, is the idea of redemption. From the Passion narrative, to the stories of Israel, to the lives of individual holy men and women, we see that God in His wisdom permits seasons of suffering for purposes of purification. However, these seasons are never meant to last forever. They are always seed and soil for rebirth. The season of suffering can last for years--decades, in my case--but for those who stay with the Lord, the season will not last forever. Suffering is never an end in itself, but rather a means to our healing from sin and the deepest possible relationship with the Lord. As born sinners, we cannot escape the redemption cycle if we want to achieve a holy, healthy life in union with God. We must pass through this.
"Sing praises to the Lord, O you His saints,
and give thanks to His holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
And his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
But joy comes for the morning."
Psalm 27: 4-5 (ESV)
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